Query Commentary: Is Dooce Getting a Divorce?

One of the features of WordPress’ stats page is a list of searches that lead readers to my blog. Most of the top ones are variations on my name. For a long time “Kelle Hampton annoying” regularly made the top ten, especially when her book came out, as did “Kelle Hampton Poppa gay” and “I hate Kelle Hampton.”

My absolute favorite query ever was “Mrs. Odie humorist.” That is exactly how I want to be known.

Since I wrote my series of three posts about the Dooce Divorce Drama, that has topped my searches. People are interested in that Dooce lady, no question. Leading my search queries this week: “Is Dooce getting a divorce?” and “Dooce divorce reason”.

I have no inside information into the Armstrong divorce. Everything I write is a projection of my reality. All I know is what they themselves have written, which is very little. There are common reasons why anyone gets divorced. Infidelity is number one. The top ten also includes communication problems, differences in faith/philosophy, money, addiction, and “she went nuts.”

I made up that last one, but fellas, am I right, or am I right?

Infidelity is fun for gossip mongers to imagine, so we do. People even accused Dooce of being gay with her style-challenged friend Cami. “Is Dooce gay?” appears daily on my query list as well. Heather has denied that outright, and I believe her. Despite the haircut.

Whether someone cheats emotionally or carnally, I think cheating is an element of every divorce. Even if it’s you, your vibrator, and “Fifty Shades of Grey,” one or both partners is sexually checked-out of the intimacy with their partner and checked-in to it elsewhere.

If Jon was thrown out for having a honey on the side, he’s not living with her or writing about her. What he did say in his post where he admitted to being in a “trial separation” is that Heather initiated it, he didn’t want it, and she didn’t give him a chance to fix it. Do we know what “it” is? No. Maybe we never will. So I’m going to go with “communication breakdown”, “money” and “she went nuts” as the reasons for this split.

This is just my opinion (don’t sue me, Dooce). I think that the balance of power in the relationship tipped, at least from Heather’s perspective, and she no longer felt attracted to Jon because she felt more powerful than he. She outgrew him.

Call me anti-feminist, old-fashioned, or keenly observant, but some types of women are attracted to power. When Dooce met Jon Armstrong, she already knew of him. She was a fan of his. He was exotic and exciting. Anyone in a marriage has to make the transition from lusting after a man to sharing a bathroom with him. From thrilling at the sound of his voice to cringing at the sound of his ass.

Jon helped make Dooce a millionaire, but at some point, he was along for the ride. He was no longer the hottie. He was the help. Once the exciting phase of sexually harassing your subordinate passes, all you’re left with is a man you have professionally outpaced.

Much to my disappointment, I believe the fact that neither one is talking about the relationship is because they are 100% getting divorced and both have gag orders until the lawyers divide the assets. The Armstrong love story inspired me. I too struggle with depression and I know how patient a spouse needs to be sometimes. I know it from both sides. I want to be wrong about them. I hope to soon read a post on Dooce about their reconciliation. I will open a bottle of champagne and drink to them. But at the risk of wasting a bottle of champagne, I think I’ll just drink it because it’s Monday.

Next time on “Query Commentary”: Is Kelle Hampton a) pregnant b) a homewrecker c) annoying d) all of the above e) none of the above.

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About Mrs Odie

Like you, only funnier.
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9 Responses to Query Commentary: Is Dooce Getting a Divorce?

  1. Rebecca says:

    Great post and I say that as one who found your blog through Google after searching for “dooce” and “divorce”. I subscribed because I enjoyed the posts.

    Now I have to go figure out who the heck this Kelle Hampton. The multiple choice options have me curious! ;-)

  2. Amie Kazimirowich says:

    I vote…annoying, I don’t think homewrecker though if the other wife is willing to give her old keepsake christmas stuff to Kelle’s new kids. If another woman came into my marriage I can guarantee you the only ornaments of mine she’d get would be broken on her face….sorry a bit hostile. Love your blog!!!!

    Amie

  3. ACH says:

    A homewrecker, annoying and I hope to god she isn’t pregnant with another “little sprite” to dress in 100% handmade/etsy purchased clothing.

  4. rebecca says:

    ,,,annoying hands down! and…you’re “spot on” about dooce, so my simple mind says,,,

  5. thumbs down on Kelle says:

    Annoying is the winner! I doubt a homewrecker though. Brett Hampton comes across as a lazy slob. The old wife was probably thrilled crossed eyed Kelle took him off her hands!

  6. Cathy Cann says:

    oh yeah, it’s in the works, here’s a link. I hoped they might work it out, too.

    http://www.utahrealestate.com/report/public.single.report/report/detailed/listno/1104131/scroll_to/1104131

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      I saw this on GOMI. Wow! That’s not a house, it’s a compound! Insert stereotype about Utah here! I’ll bet her housekeeper hates her.

  7. Pat says:

    I’m somewhat embarrassed now to say I googled “Dooce divorce”, because I used to read her but then got terribly bored by it all…and suddenly had this thought today: I wonder what’s happened to those self-involved Armstrongs, are they getting back together or what? So instead of going straight to Dooce, I found you and your funny missives and got stuck here; way more fun! Plus, I got to see her house listing. I agree with your power balance/she went nuts assessment.

    Now I must google Kelle Hampton. Who the hell is Kelle Hampton?

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