Query Commentary II: Hey Google, is Kelle Hampton an annoying pregnant homewrecker with daddy issues and an unemployed spouse?

This article is the second in my series of query commentary wherein I take the queries that lead readers to my blog and respond to them. I don’t always know the answers, but am happy to project and speculate.

First, I shall address the common query “Is Kelle Hampton’s dad gay,”

Yes. He is out. A few other of my queries are about Poppa Rik’s involvement in the production of the blog.  In the spirit of pictures being worth a thousand words, look at Kelle’s wedding photos and you’ll see one of Rik and Kelle on the dancefloor, faces in appropriate “hard” hip-hop expressions, delighting the wedding guests with “The Kelle and Poppa Show”. You can almost hear the inevitable “Can’t Touch This” or “Shake Your Groove Thing” pounding in the background. I’ll bet they even did that bit where they started off the classic Daddy-Daughter dance to “Butterfly Kisses” or “Unforgettable” interrupted by the record scratch sound effect. There’s a moment of confusion where they pretend they think the DJ screwed up, then moves were busted and hilarity ensued.

Is Kelle Hampton a homewrecker?

I know it seems possible. You see a 42 year-old man marry a 26 year-old and you automatically think “trophy wife.” Men don’t win trophy wives without money and they don’t usually have money without a starter wife supporting them in their careers. Brett Hampton (aka “Brettles”) has teenage sons, so logic dictates there was a wife before Kelle came onto the scene in a pink glitter bubble.

Haters of Kelle Hampton would love to see her as the homewrecking slut, but she isn’t. Not according to my sources. I’m not saying that their union didn’t involve ultimatums and third parties. What do I know? But I can say that Kelle did not “wreck” Brett’s first marriage. Whether or not she’ll wreck his second only time will tell.

Because your own marriage is the only one you have the power to ruin. Commenters speculate that the Hamptons will be in Armstrongville eventually. Maybe after she writes her “How to have a Martha Stewart Life on a Rosa Parks budget” book, she’ll write her 3rd book: “Blooming Alone: finding beauty in mirror selfies as a single mom raising a special needs child.” I hope not.

Our relationships don’t come down with a wrecking ball. They come down brick by brick. That’s the notorious “hard work” of marriage. For me right now, the hard work is finding time for each other between work, children, pets, housework, friends, and exhaustion. Pulling out weeds of resentment that can so easily overwhelm the garden of love. Communication, managing our money, disciplining our children, grabbing each others’ asses. It’s like having three full-time jobs. We can’t be judgmental when other people fail at it, nor should we root for that failure with giant novelty fingers and air horns. And blogs.

How did Kelle meet her husband?

Maybe she put that in the book I didn’t read. Let’s speculate. Where do divorced, middle-aged dads meet single young women? Actually, to be accurate, I don’t know if she was single at the time. Maybe she was seeing at least one other man while she was dating Brett. None of this information is available on the internet that I can find. She was a school teacher for a New York minute. He had school-aged children. Maybe that’s a clue.

“Is there anything you do know?” exasperated readers shriek.

Reading Kelle’s blog doesn’t give much insight into the mister. He likes football. Their daughter Lainey appears to get her “painful shyness” from him. He dresses casually.

Kelle is neither shy nor casually dressed, if you judge by the thousands of photos she posts of herself on the internet. One picture in particular gave me insight into her relationship with Brett. It’s a pre-child photo. Brett is the one holding the camera. He’s got his manly arm curled possessively around Kelle’s throat. She wears a black lace tank top. They are looking seductively in the mirror. She is bleached blonde. He looks younger, relaxed, and passionate.  His face says, “This is my woman. I won her.”

There’s a fifteen year age difference there. Most men want a young woman. The popular porn series is called “Barely Legal” not “Nearly Menopausal.” Men make fools of themselves for pretty young things. I imagine Brett was no different.  To him, Kelle was a major trophy, especially if he had to win her away from another suitor. And he can rest assured she’s still a trophy wife. She’s just like third place.

Many Googlers want to know: Does Brett Hampton work?

I doubt that he has a job outside of the home, but as all you stay-at-home-moms know, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t work. My suspicion is that he is a stay-at-home-dad to his work-at-home wife. He had a pool business (that gets Googled a lot too “Brett Hampton pool services”). He briefly worked for his photographer father. However, the blog shows he accompanied Kelle on a three-week road trip. Maybe he got vacation time from his job, but it seems more likely to me that his job is driving the car.

If you’ve seen Kelle Hampton’s website, you’ve probably wondered how she is able to stage all those pictures of her children which involve hair, make-up and wardrobe, not to mention photo uploading, editing, and publishing followed by captions. The only reason I’m able to write this right now is because Odie took Pringles to the park and Viva is sleeping in*. If she doesn’t have an assistant and a full-time nanny, at the very least, she has a husband. So, to answer the query, does Brett have a job? Yes. He is a husband and a father. Is he employed outside the home? I don’t believe so.

Is Kelle Hampton pregnant?

Not that she has announced, but she will be. We know she’s trying to make another little “little.” She wrote about a miscarriage and admitted she and Brettles had been “trying” since their youngest turned one. I remember there was at least one other miscarriage but I’m too lazy to research if it was pre or post-Lainey.

[Sidebar: Some of you are thinking, "Jeez, lady, obsessed much?" I don't have a photographic memory, and even if I did, my memory pictures would be nowhere near as gorgeous as Kelle Hampton's photos. I do, however, remember most of what I read. It's a skill that helped me tremendously in college and assists me in my career as a teacher and writer. What I read sticks. I have often been told that if I "hate" Kelle Hampton so much, why do I read her blog. I don't hate her. I have an attraction/repulsion thing with her blog. I am fascinated by its popularity and readers'/viewers' reactions. For her, I feel nothing more than I would for a character in a novel. She's Queen Cersei to me. I have always had a person in my life exactly like Kelle Hampton's persona. Someday I'll write all about Toxic Best Friend and Toxic Best Friends 2.0 and 3.0.]

If biology allows, I guarantee you there will be another little Hampton to photograph. We shall all be treated to hundreds of pictures of skinny pregnant Kelle and her feet,  pigeon-toed and twee, alongside little pudgy baby toes. Mazel tov.

Given her recent misfortune in that department, however, I doubt you will hear about it before the amnio results. The clue will be if she stops drinking those beloved Bud Lime Lights.

Let’s see. Have I covered all the queries with my rampant speculation? The truth is, I don’t know if Kelle is pregnant, if Brett works outside the home, if Poppa cuts his own hair, if Poppa paid for Kelle’s wedding or Brett’s dad did, if Kelle had another boyfriend when she met Brett, if 60 is still sexy (it isn’t) or any of it. I do know that people wonder about these things and search the internet for answers and somehow those Google queries bring them to me. If Kelle really wants a book that stays on the NYT Best-Seller list, she could write her own answers to the big questions about her perfectly portrayed “small” life.

*For those of you who are Mrs. Odie haters, here’s a real reason to hate me. My three year-old sleeps until at least 8:30 every morning. Often until 9:30. Don’t hate me too much. The baby is up at 5.

About these ads

About Mrs Odie

Like you, only funnier.
This entry was posted in Essays/Commentary, Pure side-splitting comedy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

75 Responses to Query Commentary II: Hey Google, is Kelle Hampton an annoying pregnant homewrecker with daddy issues and an unemployed spouse?

  1. Belinda says:

    I think she had a miscarriage between Lainey and Nelle. I could be wrong, it was a long time ago that I read her blog. I don’t visit it anymore, the worshipping and adoration makes me want to puke.

  2. Belinda says:

    Nelle? Is that even the kid’s name? Maybe it’s Nella? Oh, who cares.

  3. Rosie says:

    Yay! You FINALLY updated! I was having withdrawals.

  4. Lori says:

    Shes had 2 miscarriages since her youngest. She wrote about it here….http://www.whattoexpect.com/blogs/word-of-mom/hoping-dreaming-planning

    • LF says:

      If she already had two misacarriages since Nella as in Salmonella (sorry, I just couldn’t stop laughing at this) was born it is obvious that all she wanted was to do was have a replacement baby right away. She is so insecure that she needed to have a typical kid immediately to “right the wrong” of her last baby in her twisted mind. Hampton is a piece of work. There is no way that marriage will last if she can’t have another kid to fix the image (in her mind) of her family. She needs psychological help, not blogging and editing her life away.

      • Kath says:

        Jesus Christ, who takes such pleasure is someone’s miscarriages?

        • Mrs Odie 2 says:

          Jesus Christ, Kath asked you a question, sir.

        • wake up Kath says:

          I am very impressed that Jesus Christ reads this blog. I have a feeling that he too thinks KH exploits her children for money and her desperate need for validation.

          As for “Kath”, where she got the idea someone was “taking pleasure” in someone’s miscarriages shows she does not read AND comprehend as no one here has said that. Go back to school “Kath” / Poppa.

      • I actually disagree with that. My oldest has DS and I got pregnant with her brother when she was eight months old. I wanted them close together so she could have a model in typical development, and I have to say, as crazy as it was when they were both little now that he is three and she is four it is great. He completely adores her and really looks out for her and she in turn has a sibling she can model (at this point, his language and cognitive development is way beyond hers.) It’s like having twins, honestly. And yes, I fully admit there was part of me that wanted to have the “normal” birth and baby experience after her birth, which was so scary and traumatic (she was premature, had to be transferred to another hospital for major surgery when she was a day old, had major troubles learning to take a bottle and eat solid food, etc.) By contrast her brother came out full term almost ten pounds and was a champion eater from the get go. It was nice to have that experience and really helped me heal, I think.

        Sorry for the rambling. But I do think there’s something to be said for having spaced my kids so close together. I have three now–4, 3, and 14 months–and there does seem to be this amazing bond between the three of them. Sure, they fight, but I feel good in the knowledge that my boys seem to worship Jo Jo and I just have this feeling that they’ll always watch out for her.

        • Mrs Odie 2 says:

          You have my respect. Two kids, 3 and 1, kick my ass. I fall into bed at night shattered. I agree though that the sacrifice is worth it. I loved having siblings close in age.

    • Belinda says:

      Thanks for that link. It appears that she has had 3 miscarriages altogether, one after Lainey then two after (Salmo)nella.

      I feel sorry for her, despite her shortcomings. I have lost at least 4 pregnancies (4 confirmed, the 5th I’ll never know for sure but hey, after 4 it’s pretty easy to recognise).

      • Mrs Odie 2 says:

        Yes, I think it humanizes her. I liked the piece until she had to spin into the usual happy crappy always look on the bright side. She’s young with two healthy children, and even though her husband’s sperm is AARP eligible, he has fathered four robust children. I hope she doesn’t lose any more pregnancies.

        • Belinda says:

          I wish I had KH’s optimism! But apparently I’m bitter and twisted and I have a chip on my shoulder that I need to “get help” to get rid of, according to my former BFF (who, as it turns out, fell pregnant on her first cycle after her honeymoon). She’s another KH in the making.

      • Summer says:

        I think when I skimmed her book there was one before Lainey.

  5. Summer says:

    No way he is 42. More like 52 at best.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      42 when they married 6 years ago.

    • Amy says:

      He really looks awful for being in his 40′s. She’s probably running him into the ground. It must be exhausting living her staged life.

      Was stunned to see her do almost an entire blog post about her grey hair and her coloring it . Wouldn’t this idiot be leary of using chemicals on herself in this pregnancy? I think she is so unbelievably self absorbed that nothing, not even pregnancy, will stop her form her beauty regime!

  6. janet says:

    I think Kelle Hampton is a complete control FREAK, emphasis on FREAK. Her oldest kid is what?… six years old and has never attended a school and this Hampton twit claims she may home school her. Yeah, worked out well for you Kelle you oddball. Can you imagine Kelle trying to homeschool in between taking three thousand pictures a day, editing, blogging, writing more nauseating books about herself, interviewing, advertising crap shopping sites and on and on? The kid will be twelve before she learns how to read! Oh well, the state of Florida has some of the crappiest school systems anyway so maybe Lainey is better off being used as a pawn in her mother’s fake reality show life rather than attending class!!

    • Summer says:

      I’m a teacher and I’m not at all crazy like her and I love the idea of homeschooling. I’ve had some very well educated homeschooled kids.

  7. Rosie says:

    KH’s most recent Hallmark shill disturbed me a little, now that we’re discussing her marriage to Creosus. She states that on her trips, during the last five minutes before take-off, she calls HEIDI for re-assurance. Don’t most of us grown-up married types usually call our SPOUSES for this job?

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      Heidi will raise the kids? Doesn’t Kelle have two sisters and a brother? Doesn’t Brett have at least one sister? Aren’t all 4 grandparents alive? Like the ponies say, friendship is magic, but usually we leave custody of our children to relatives.

      • Summer says:

        I read that too and cocked my head to the side as in ‘huh?’ Mostly because she needs to be so emotionally stroked. I have never done that! Called my poor friends to remind them about my kids if I die? Again, huh?

        • Summer says:

          And was Brett on this trip? Heidi would still be the one to tell the kids all about her, not Brett. Would Brett even have visitation rights? ;)

  8. Jenn says:

    Looks like you called it. Here comes another photogenic child. Although I love her pictures. And then I hate myself and wallow in shame for loving them.

  9. Cher says:

    You called it! Pregnancy announcement today. Complete with “bump” photo (if I could only look so “bumpy” in my non pregnant state!)

  10. Kate says:

    She announced that she’s pregnant Sunday. Good prediction.

  11. Anonymous says:

    The big announcement came yesterday….she is pregnant! And so it begins……

  12. Rosie says:

    You called it. There’s another little on the way. She made her announcement yesterday.

  13. auberginemom says:

    Yes Kelle is….pregnant (and also annoying)

  14. Rachel says:

    How many followers do you have? how many books? sponsors?
    You must be a really sad person in real life. And I guess people people still prefer happyness and that’s why Kelle has so many things you lack and bet you’ll never have (being hapyness one of them)

    • Jenn says:

      I don’t have a book deal, so I don’t have an editor. But I have a sneaking suspicion that the word you’re looking for is HAPPINESS. Two P’s, no Y.

      • Rachel says:

        And I’m sure you won’t find it either

        • Rosie says:

          And cue Poppa in three…..two…..one……………

          • Summer says:

            Rachel (Poppa), sponsors, books deals, and followers does not a friend make. It’s alll business, smoke and mirrors. Here today, gone tomorrow.

            • Mrs Odie 2 says:

              Poppa is actually a pretty good speller. And I think he’s in Michigan, despite his Florida business. This non-fan is Canadian. My geography sucks. Is Michigan in Canada? Maybe she can see it from her house.

  15. Kit says:

    Is that really even a picture of a baby bump, and she claims she’s 4 months pregnant but due in February? I don’t know, maybe I’m confused. She seems to be standing in such an awkward, slouchy position. Whatev…..more to snark about over the next several months. She’s so annoying! Does she go to bed with red lipstick on?

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      Okay, I had to look. My math says barely 3 months if she’s due in February. She must have marked 12 weeks on her calendar and then announced immediately. When the doctor gave her a February due date do you think “Valentine’s Day themed birthday party!” was the first thing she said or the second?

      She’s had two kids and she’s skinny. People like that show faster.

  16. Belinda says:

    I think I’m gonna throw up.

  17. me says:

    I have never read you nor Small Things but calling a child, especially a special needs child “Salmonella” is pretty shitty. Your own comment rule is “try not to be a shit”. Focus on the blogger, not her kid.

  18. Tersia says:

    I think her last 2 ” miscarriages” was …… abortions. She just made it all up for us to feel sorry for her and she made it clear as day that she didn’t want samonella. I think a cvs test was done for this 1 also. That is why she waited for the 12 weeks to say that she is pregnant. I honestly think she murdered the other 2 Down Syndrome babies.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      I thought long and hard about publishing this comment, and finally decided I would because I publish all comments now.

      Having said that, this comment has the stench of troll. Perhaps you want to see how ugly I can get. I don’t care for the Hampton brand. As Alton Brown said beautifully, ‘America wants to be shared with, not sold.’

      I don’t think KH lied about miscarriages. If they were abortions, why mention them? As for this latest, maybe she had CVS. I tend to doubt it because someone with her miscarriage risk wouldn’t want to risk the 4% rate of pregnancy loss associated with that procedure.

      Finally, I don’t believe abortion is murder. 90% of women who get a prenatal diagnosis of Down Syndrome choose abortion. I’d be very surprised if only 10% of women with that diagnosis are Christians and that accounts for the statistic. People are terrified of having, not a baby with DS, but an adult with the mentality of a toddler. Perhaps that fear is unwarranted, but it’s very real. So I won’t sit in judgment, and I don’t think KH initial reaction of grief and horror was wrong either, despite my previous opinion. I had a positive DS screen and entertained some very dark thoughts in the 6 week wait until my genetic ultrasound. Maybe that makes me a bad person. Probably. But I don’t have any necklaces to sell you either way.

      • Tersia says:

        True. I agree with you, the fear is very real. Sorry for my statement, did not want to offend anyone.

        • Shelbyluv says:

          That’s a BS apology. Clearly you meant to offend. Mission accomplished.

        • Sunny says:

          Bull shit. You made a comment so offensive & vile that even Mrs. Odie felt the need to call out you on it.

        • Amy says:

          You need to get a life. If you have nothing better to do than write BS about other people, I feel sorry for you.

  19. Linda says:

    So we all put “our input” here it sounds like a lot of jealousy going on,good for her if she is having another baby,yes she puts herself out there however…people should not be so MEAN.just saying:)

    • Kit says:

      Jealous, seriously? Yeah, I’m jealous I don’t have an old surfer dude husband that doesn’t work.

  20. JENNA says:

    I’M GOING TO HIT THE ROOF IF I SEE ANOTHER PHOTO OF FEET !

    • Kit says:

      I’ve been wanting to say the same thing, and why are they always pigeon toed? It just looks so stupid. I’m guessing she likes to show off her bargain store shoes and pedicure or something.

      • Amy says:

        Ok, can someone please explain something to me? Why is it, if you can’t stand this woman, whom I’m pretty sure you’ve never met, why on earth are you trashing her? If you don’t like her….or her feet for that matter….STOP LOOKING AT HER BLOG. You people seriously need help. Seriously…her feet?? You’re basically saying at this point, you purposefully go to her blog just to come back here and make fun of her. Shame on you all. I stumbled upon this site when I googled her to see if I could find any of her photography. Don’t you people have anything better to do? I guess not.

  21. Jen says:

    I love that you have FAQ posts on dooce and kelle. I found your blog over a year ago by googling “kelle hamption hate”. I find her insufferable and yet she’s also a freaky car crash I can’t look away from. Then the dooce divorce happened, and you wrote about it! When I remember to think about these two nutso’s, I get excited when I see you’ve done a new post about one of them. Then I forget about them for a couple of months. I would love to read a Vanity Fair piece on Heather and/or Kelle. For bloggers they certainly are tight lipped about the things people really want to know about. Anyway, Mrs. Odie, I wanted to finally leave a comment and tell you I think you have a great blog.

  22. Summer says:

    Going to make another prediction: She decides to homeschool Lainey.

  23. Kit says:

    She’s not homeschooling her, YET..,,but the first couple days were absolutely heart-wrenching and exhausting. Her father actually called the best friend and had her go to the school to check on KELLE, not Lainey like I originally thought. I guess Miss Kelle was having a hard time leaving her at school. Now, everyone parents differently, and this is just my opinion, but why didn’t this woman send this kid to some kind of pre-school or something where she had to leave her for a couple hours so the kid wasn’t so traumatized? Whatev. There seems to be so much drama surrounding everything in her life. It’s tiresome.

    • Summer says:

      And her husband went to the hospital with chest pains. I swear every man must fake a heart attack at 48. Seems to be the magic number.

      • Mrs Odie 2 says:

        Scary! I’m surprised she wrote about that. Brent is such a shy, private guy, I can’t imagine he wants his medical scare out there for mass consumption. I hope he’s okay!

    • Summer says:

      We do not have a need for daycare or preschool either. My husband and I work split shifts. Like her, I have not had any regrets. Having a loving parent at home during the first five years trumps any preschool or daycare. So does extended breastfeeding. Oh, and co sleeping when we want to. :-) We are a bit unconventional too.

  24. Kit says:

    Oh, one more question I have….is it normal to spend $35 on a backpack for a kid in kindergarten? Haven’t priced them out for a long time so I didn’t know if this was normal or not.

  25. sophia says:

    OMG! I am in shock! Ugly comments!

Comments are closed.