Mrs. Odie’s Class Fee Schedule

I hate punishing the students, especially when they’re the ones I really enjoy. Recently, I caught some kids cheating, and I was sad for a week. I couldn’t let it slide. It was so obvious and badly done, I was actually more depressed about what it said about me as a teacher than about the cheating.

But, then I comfort myself that if they think Jonathan Swift was inspired by Hannibal Lecter and failed to include a TARDIS in that scenario, they have no business in an advanced class.

It makes me sad when kids fail my class. I take no pleasure in F grades. Funny how it’s “I got an A!” but “She GAVE ME an F.”

I have no fucks to give for students who don’t turn in work, don’t participate in class, don’t pass tests they didn’t study for, then beg “what can I do to pass?!” often accompanied by a parent email pleading for “extra credit.” Extra credit? Your kid can’t even handle credit!

What can you do to pass? My reply is dependent on your answer to the following question: Do you have a TARDIS?

Kids don’t hear me when I say on and from day one that there will be no Hail Mary, no miracle free throw on the last day that will save them from a semester of laziness and apathy. Their parents are comparatively deaf. I’ve become so frustrated, that I’ve fantasized about what I could do if I had my integrity surgically removed.

If I had NO integrity at all, I think I could enjoy coming up with a “Price List” for my more affluent parents. A “Fee Schedule,” if you will.

Mrs. Odie’s Exclusive Fee Schedule for Discerning Parents

“The Graduation Saver”* (aka “The grandparents bought non-refundable plane tickets for graduation”)

Course Grade of D with a Citizenship grade of Satisfactory: $1000 per semester (available to students with failing grades, no “teach them a lesson” or “revenge” purchases accepted).

*exclusively available to graduating seniors

“The Basic” Course grade of C with a Citizenship grade of Satisfactory: $300 per semester

“The Basic Plus” Course grade of C with a Citizenship grade of Outstanding: : $375 per semester

“The Good Student” Course grade of B with a Citizenship grade of Satisfactory: $400 per semester

“The Good Student Plus” Course grade of B with Citizenship grade of Outstanding: $475 per semester

“The Ivy Leaguer Package” Course Grade of A, Citizenship of Outstanding, Letter of recommendation written with a thesaurus while sober, and without a template from “How to write a college recommendation letter” article on eHow.com. $1000

A La Carte Menu

Recommendation letter for college/scholarships $100

Well-written recommendation letter for college/scholarships $200

Smiles $50/ea

Wit, sardonic tone/long-suffering eyebrow raises: the free services I provide

 

 

 

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About Mrs Odie

Like you, only funnier.
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20 Responses to Mrs. Odie’s Class Fee Schedule

  1. Meghan2 says:

    It is great to get your perspective. Sometimes I read and think “Is that my kid?” or “Do I do that?” Of course I always tell myself, no no, our situation isn’t exactly like that so nope, not me. This is one of those posts.

    My 11th grader has worked very hard trying to get fantastic grades this semester and he is not successfully getting the grades he wants. I have seen him do the hard work. He (yes him, no email/phone calls/etc from me) has stayed in constant contact with his teachers asking how could he improve all semester, he has stayed after school and met before school with teachers, and yes he is now asking “what can I do to improve my grade?” and “Can I get extra credit?” He is passing all his classes, but he wants straight A’s because he was not this diligent in the past and his GPA is horrid, but finally realizes he wants college.

    Sometimes your posts sound like you are describing me, and /or my kids, but to maintain my own sanity I will continue to tell myself “nope, we are different.” While at the same time, taking it into consideration so that we aren’t that bad. So, hopefully myself and other parents reading this and making some changes means you are contributing to a better workplace for other teachers. I would insert a smiley face here, but somehow I feel like that is not classy enough for your page (and I’d put another one there).

    • Mrs Odie says:

      It’s one thing when a student tries hard. The ones who drive me crazy are the ones who don’t care a lick about their grades until May, and the parents who enable them. But sometimes, a student just needs to accept that mastery of a skill can’t be “willed” into being. Progress is the goal, not perfection. As a teacher, I don’t approve of anything that means extra work for me. Extra credit is extra work for the teacher. I think when students or parents ask for “extra credit” they don’t take that part into consideration. It’s more work for the teacher.

      • Meghan2 says:

        Another great point. I have worked as a sub and love it, so I have seen “behind the scenes” all the teachers hard work but honestly never thought about the extra work extra credit created.

  2. GreenCanary says:

    Too bad you can’t make them pay you for their own stupidity. Also, what are the Citizenship rankings?

    • Mrs Odie says:

      Students get two grades: academic and citizenship. The latter is based on the student’s behavior, attendance, promptness, and general attitude in class. It has no GPA weight, but if a student receives a U grade (unsatisfactory) it can prevent him or her from participation in certain school functions. Mostly, it’s just information for parents, insurance companies, employers, and the students themselves.

    • Mrs Odie says:

      I wish I could leave out a tip jar, like Starbucks. Just for lunch and coffee money.

  3. Betsey says:

    I love your perspective. I am a 2nd grade teacher and I can see the fruits of what you’re saying at 2nd grade.

  4. Meghan2 says:

    Not sure how this helps my kid learn, but one of the teachers told my kiddo they could bring in tissues for extra credit. I guess that doesn’t create teacher work, not much kid learning though either. Would love to be on the moral high ground, but nope, I am buying tissue for the kids extra credit.

    • Mrs Odie says:

      I used to do that, but our district has cracked down on “extra credit” for anything that costs money. Our district got sued not too long ago for not technically offering a “free education” because we require students to buy supplies. I miss the extra credit tissue bonanza at the end of the year.

  5. AP Ms. V says:

    I tell my kids, “There is no extra credit in life, so there is no extra credit in my class.” They are still looking for extra credit in life, so I will change my mind :)

  6. Michael says:

    A little late, but happy Mother’s Day. I know it’s tough but . . .

  7. Michael says:

    Ok. I could’ve probably used this in high school, and definitely in college. But you’re selling yourself short. You could probably get away with up to $3,000 for the graduation saver, and more for the Ivy League package, but you obviously didn’t think this through. By the way, I’d get them to pony the money up front.

  8. KC says:

    Just read a student’s term paper that was taken directly from one of those pay-for-a-paper mills. I spent so much time with this kid – staying after school trying to help her, reading revisions of her other papers, etc. It’s not just insulting; it’s actually painful. And now I get to spend more of my limited time dealing with the disciplinary process, hearings, etc. I just don’t understand where students get the idea that it’s OK to act like this. . . . maybe I don’t want to know.

    • Summer says:

      I’m glad you realize it is the kid acting like this and no other reason. It’s not the teachers, parents, society, pressure, etc. It’s the undeveloped brain. And maybe some drugs. And maybe some laziness. The real world will kick in on their time if they’re lucky and a little bit smart. We can not will it to happen as teachers. Keep on trucking everyone! Summer is almost here!

      • Summer says:

        What package do I pick for another blog post already?

        • Mrs Odie says:

          Oh, snap! I’ve been researching a response to Kelle Hampton’s “story telling” trip to Africa and it’s a lot of work. Plus, my school year ends in a few days and I’m swamped with plagiarized essays. This time next week, I shall be on my summer vacation for five whole days before I start teaching summer school.

          TL;DR $5000. My paypal is mrsodie2@gmail.com

  9. Another Teacher says:

    A student brought me pastries on the last day and I joked, “You get an A!” and another student, completely serious, whines, “That’s not fair! You didn’t tell us that!” Jeez, kid. I wish! Besides, a pastry would get you maybe a C minus.

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