The Bloom Project

"When a husband unloads a wife or a wife unloads a husband – however it happens, death, desertion, divorce: the three D’s- she blooms.  Like flowers.  Like fruit.  She’s ripe.  That is the woman for me." – Daryl Van Horne, "The Witches of Eastwick."

I want to be ripe like fruit.  It’s not that I want to be deserted or divorced, but I want to be that woman who blooms.  If I met my husband today, I don’t think he’d look twice at me.  Not unless men have started Googling "late thirties, overweight housewives in pajama pants, back fat" as the latest porn craze on the internet.

I had breakfast with a coworker Thursday.  I’ll call her Jane to protect her privacy.  A year ago, Jane’s husband walked out on her and her young daughter.  Jane looks amazing.  She’s supermodel thin, poised, glowing.  Her art career and writing career are flourishing.  She’s beating men away with a stick.  Friends like me are drooling with envy.  She is RIPE LIKE FRUIT!

My husband never suffers a moment of jealousy with me.  Not a one.  It would be childish and unhealthy for me to want my husband jealous all the time, but a smidge would be nice.  I’m not sure if he just trusts me completely, or if he thinks that no one would want to steal me away from him.  Maybe the former is true because of the latter.  A long time ago, Odie and I were watching some news story about a celebrity who’d divorced her husband and looked awesome in his wake.  Odie commented that when women leave their men, they always lose a bunch of weight and do amazing things with their lives.  Like the only thing standing in the way of her and fabulousness is him.  I think that we get settled in committed relationships.  I remember going to a party Odie was going to be at back when I was trying to get him to notice me and I ate nothing but an apple and some soy milk for THREE DAYS prior to the party so I could have a flat tummy in my shape hugging black dress.  It worked.  He noticed.

The truth is, I’ve let myself go in a big way.  The Bloom Project (TBP) is about reversing that.  I want to be the me I would be if I were trying to attract a mate.  Not the settled me who is lumpy, frumpy and invisible.  So I’m launching TBP.  It’s a multi-faceted plan.  It involves not only physical change but attitude shifts as well.  I will be going in to more detail as it unfolds.

Starting with baby steps, I’m going to go take a shower.
 

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About Mrs Odie

Like you, only funnier.
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