Bitches I hate

A while back, I read a post on dooce.com, the most successful mommy blog in the world, where the writer Heather Armstrong WENT OFF on the people who say nasty things about her.  One comment in particular that stuck with me was “my success does not diminish you.”  I took that to heart in a big way because I have always been a bitter, jealous person.  Jealous in the actual meaning of the word, which is a fear that YOU will take something that I am entitled to or that I desperately want to hold on to.  For years I have wanted to be a successful blogger, and I admit that I looked at her website and read her blog and thought, “Oh, FUCK YOU.”  Because it was pretty funny, actually.  Because she is so successful that she’s been on Oprah.  Apparently she DOES have some karma to work off though, because she was also on Dr. Phil.

I’ve also hated on Tori Spelling.  Not for being a homewrecking tramp, or for being a pug dog-faced, nepotism-blessed, post-op trannie.  For being a New York Times best-selling author.  THREE TIMES over.  I read her book “Mommywood” the day before I went into labor with Baby V and during the labor in the hospital.  I had an epidural, so other than reading Tori’s book, my labor was painless.  She is an average writer. There is nothing compelling about her style of storytelling (excuse me, sTORItelling), except her ability to pun her own name.  Her retelling of the time her father made it snow on Christmas in Beverly Hills is contrived and wooden, empty of all real emotion. 

Then there’s Kelle Hampton.  Someone on FertilityFriend.com posted about her website, http://enjoyingthesmallthings.blogspot.com, when she gave birth in January to a daughter with Down Syndrome.  She hadn’t had the testing that would have prepared her for this birth, being only like 30.  It was posted on every mommy forum in the world as an amazingly well-written, heartbreaking and ultimately life affirming story.  Despite her initial heartbroken reaction to her daughter’s disability, she devotes her blog to a philosophy of choosing to love life.  She had this philosophy even before  her special needs daughter was born.  In fact, she would probably WINCE at my categorization of the sainted Nella Cordelia as “her special needs daughter.”  That would be me limiting her to her disability.  And then she would go on and on and on and on about all of the “small things” she loves about her daughter, accompanied by numerous, glowy, soft focus photographs of the baby’s feet, ending with a platitude about being unapologetically, shamelessly IN LOVE WITH LIFE.  Not only is Hampton a popular writer (her skills are above average, despite numerous typos, grammatical errors and excessive strained metaphors), she is a gifted photographer (or photo editor).  She also clearly enjoys a wealthy lifestyle in an exclusive seaside Florida town in a home she and her husband own.  She looks to be his trophy wife, as she is a brunette who was blonde in her wedding photos, he appears about the same age as her dad, and he has two teenaged sons from a previous marriage.  When you read her blog, you should notice that at the end of every post there are HUNDREDS of comments.  “OMG, Kelle, you are so beautiful!  Your DS daughter is so beautiful!  Your photographs are so beautiful!  Your life is so wonderful!  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I WANT TO BE YOU!  I AM SO JEALOUS!  Everything you write makes me feel like angels are dancing on my nipples, shooting off paintball guns filled with rainbows!”  I mean, that isn’t an exact quote, but it’s damned close.  In fact, I am taking a huge risk daring to criticize her.  Her legions of angel-nippled fans might actually send me death threats.  (Memo to said fans: you needn’t bother.  I already wish myself dead for not being Kelle Hampton).  I do not enjoy the small things.

While I would love to have some success and recognition, I realize it comes with a dark side.  Just a few days ago, I had some UGLY comments in my email from strangers who had read my blog.  One was so full of vitriol, it made me wonder if perhaps Mrs. Odie #1 had stumbled across my blog.  I felt my face get red-hot with shock and anger.  And then I deleted them. 

The ladies (and trannies) I have mentioned above must have wonderfully thick skins.  Callouses that have no doubt been built over time.  If I were Tori, I would not read the comments people made about me on-line.  It would be too painful.  Although, I suspect she does, just to get some deep belly laughs over what people write about her pig-eyed, drooling Neandertal husband, Dean.  Kelle might get her feelings hurt over the parodies and criticisms of her blog I have written.  Her fans might think me callous.  I mean, the woman has a child with Down Syndrome for fuck’s sake, right?  WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU, MRS. ODIE? 

When I was pregnant, my baby had a “soft marker” for DS that increased her chances of having it FOUR TIMES.  I had an amniocentesis, a test I was determined NOT to have because of the risk to my fetus, because I was terrified of having a DS baby.  I didn’t want a DS baby.  I woke up in the early hours of the morning before the amnio (which I hadn’t yet scheduled) and sobbed to Odie that I hated myself, but that I was afraid I didn’t want the baby if she were disabled.  That I didn’t think I was strong enough to handle it.  That I just couldn’t do it!  He asked me if I would abort our baby, and I put my hands on my 19 weeks-pregnant-just-starting-to-get-round belly and admitted that I couldn’t.  That I wouldn’t.  But that I had to know, or I was going to be miserable for the next 21 weeks.  So I cannot say I would EVER want to be in Kelle’s fabulous, fashionable, four hundred-dollar shoes.  Not even if it meant a million hits on my blog.

The jealousy remains, though.  That’s kind of always been my personality.  A sort of wry, bitter, cynicism that ironically hides the heart of a dreamer and an optimist.  Because deep down, I believe Heather Armstrong.  Her success does not diminish me.  The bitch.

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About Mrs Odie

Like you, only funnier.
This entry was posted in Essays/Commentary, Pure side-splitting comedy and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Bitches I hate

  1. mrsk6 says:

    My favorite thing about your blog is not your wit (though it’s biting and fabulous), not your humor (though you always make me chuckle if not “lol”), and not your perfect spelling and grammar (though I’m jealous that I need the spell checker… and don’t burst my bubble by telling me you use it too)… it’s your take me as I am honesty. I would take your overweight, cynical, jealous self over 99% of the skinny & bubbly phonies I know.

  2. mrsodie2 says:

    Thank you, MrsK-6. I do very much appreciate you calling me fat.

  3. mrsk6 says:

    Did I mention that I also love your sarcasm? Or does that fall under wit? Either way, with my own 40 pounds to lose, I am calling no one fat!

  4. HD says:

    aside from the lemons…you are a great writer. seriously, you are witty, detailed and honest and a quite funny writer. professionally, i don’t know what i am talking about, but from one woman/mother/friend/blogger to another…you had me laughing. but not at kelle. she really is amazing and i have yet to see her in a 400 hundred dollar pair of shoes, honest. she really is just loving on her girls and just happens to be beautiful inside and out as well.

    good luck on your bloom project!!!!

  5. BJ says:

    “When you read her blog, you should notice that at the end of every post there are HUNDREDS of comments. “OMG, Kelle, you are so beautiful! Your DS daughter is so beautiful! Your photographs are so beautiful! Your life is so wonderful! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I WANT TO BE YOU! I AM SO JEALOUS! Everything you write makes me feel like angels are dancing on my nipples, shooting off paintball guns filled with rainbows!”

    Hooooo hooo! Hahahahahaaaaaaaa! Oh that is GOLD! I’m glad I’m not the only one who has noticed how sickly sweet this woman is and how all her followers gush and fawn all over her blog. It’s truly revolting, especially the latest post where she has redecorated the bathroom. Nothing special, yet everyone is making themselves sick over it.

    When I read the birth story of her DS daughter, I was horrified. The birth of her first girl Lainey (what kind of a made up name is that btw?) was all picture perfect and wonderful, so she set herself up big time for the fall that was Nella’s birth. I was one of those anonymous commenters – I was saddened that that poor little girl wasn’t welcomed into the world the same way her sister was, just because she has DS. The group photo of all her friends in the room told it all – alot of glum faces.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      Thanks! I love having my work quoted back to me 😉 When I told my husband her daughter’s name was “Nella,” he asked, “Is it short for Salmonella?” Now, that’s all I can think when I hear it.

    • JMB says:

      I agree here! I think Kelle, deep down, is still in the angry/denial/not accepted it yet phase of having a child with DS. Except when it gets her positive attention -then, and only then, I think Kelle “enjoys” the attention that having a DS child brings. I was very bothered in Nella’s birth story with the way Kelle talked about how she worried about Lainey in all of it. As if she was so upset FOR Lainey (and herself and her husband) that “poor Lainey” would have to have a sister with DS. The WHOLE blog rubs me the wrong way but specifically the favoritism it appears is shown to Lainey in her mom’s own words. Of course, I can’t stand a ‘victim’ if they really aren’t a victim of anything!!

      Like a wise pastor told me once about my own special needs child -“Why NOT your family?!” As if to say, you aren’t entitled to any more or less heartache than anyone else… It could be worse… Get over yourself. Profound -and Kelle definitely needs to get over herself a bit. I hate a cocky man, but a cocky woman -gah! It’s almost worse!!

  6. JMB says:

    I found your blog through a reference made to it on a “real” hate blog. I don’t think anything you’ve said of Kelle Hampton is UNtrue and therefore, it is not gossiping or anything evil -good grief, people are so stupid sometimes! I agree with you 100% about Kelle Hampton’s blog -it is just over.the.top. I throw up in my mouth a little bit every time she talks about Nella. I feel like deep down inside, Kelle is really struggling to come to terms with the loss of her “perfect” second child. I get the feeling that the oldest daughter is the favorite and I feel like Kelle is trying to cover up her real issues (in herself, the issues of not accepting yet that her daughter has DS) with her perky, all rainbows & unicorns 24/7, “I enjoy the small things” crap that she writes on her blog. What I really see, is a woman who is no where near “enjoying” anything. I feel she is angry, I feel she thinks she’s “entitled” to all this as she is, of course, the BEST mom in the world with her DS child and all; and by NOT trying to be seen as a “victim” of her circumstances, she has made herself sound completely a “victim” and she comes across whiny as HELL!

    She grates on my nerves big time. And another mommy blogger that grates on my nerves for some reason is Patrice Williams. She comes across as having a MAJOR chip on her shoulder to me as well. And she should NOT. Every time she posts about her child having “this” or “that” come up and she goes on and on and on -I want to comment to her to look at her own sidebar! Whenever her son is in the shape that sweet little Courtney is with her EB son, Tripp, THEN Patrice can do some complaining.

    Felt good to get this out:) Great blog you have here!! And I can already tell you have got to be a very realistic, normal, hilarious person! I love it!! 🙂

    • SlippidyDippidy says:

      What is this other blog you speak of? I love that type of entertainment, I’m so naughty.

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