Okay, I can’t resist one more.

Editor’s Note: This blog entry was written in August of 2010. So, if you found it through a Google search, read it and lose your shit, know that you are losing your shit over something that is old news. -MO2

I said I was done (I should have said “finished,” bad English teacher) writing about special needs mommy-blogger extraordinaire Kelle Hampton, but I was wrong. With chagrin, I admit to you that I can’t resist one more.

There I was, shirt hiked up, pump shoved under my bra, attempting to access Photobucket and look at pictures of Baby V online to help get the milk flowing while I sat at my desk during my lunch break trying to pump milk.  Did you just shudder?  You’re not alone.  My school’s firewall blocks Photobucket, though, so I was out of luck.  I have several pictures of my baby on my phone, but I was ON my phone, talking to  a nice gentleman in the tech department laboring to sync my password for Novell with my password for… I’ll stop.  You don’t want to know.

Now I’m probably on some list somewhere in the district of people who violate the “acceptable use of technology” policy because I attempted to access a forbidden site.  I’m not bidding on Ebay or planning fantasy vacations on Expedia.  Any more.  It’s all I can do to get my work done and get home to my baby.

My district hasn’t done a perfect job of banning all unacceptable sites, though, because you can still get through to http://enjoyingthesmallthings.blogspot.com, Kelle Hampton’s insufferable blog.  “But, Mrs. Odie,” you cry, clutching your pearls, “didn’t you say you were ‘done’ talking about her?”  Myeh, I lied.

Just a little bit.

If you must know, I don’t read her blog anymore.  It’s the same thing every time.  “I’m a rockstar,” “magic,” and “blah blah blah rocked my world.”  The photographs are great, if you care about those things.  I don’t.  I read the comments.  If I can’t get my damn milk to flow into that stupid pump, at least I can get tears of laughter rolling down my face.  It’s stupid, I know.  Surely I have better things to do with my time.  Lately, though, it’s been like following a telenovella.  In between barfing glitter and queefing confetti at Kelle for her AMAZING photographs and her BEAUTIFUL girls, the commenters have started getting bitchy at the “negative comments.”  

Amid pleas to be adopted by Kelle’s father, “Poppa,” these women are assuring Kelle that she must not listen to the negativity.  “Ssssshhh, sssshhh, there there, baby.  Don’t believe them.  Don’t let them get to you,” they croon.  “Don’t take these haters’ words to heart!  STAY STRONG!” As though she were fragile as glass and a little criticism will cause her to wilt where she’s planted.

Anyone who criticizes Kelle Hampton’s blog is a jealous, dark-spirited imp (not to be mistaken with a sprite) they say.  They can’t say “bitch” or “fuckface” because Poppa Rik is also the cursing police, and he’ll make you throw a quarter in the swear jar or something.

I clicked on the comments every day for a while, because I haven’t followed a soap opera in years, and this shit was GOOD (if you’re curious, it’s all in the comments that come after the post about Book Looks, where she says she’s going to visit “friends” in New York and for some reason doesn’t admit that her publishers are flying her out for a meeting).  I am sure that many Hamptonites, or Hamptoloonies, assumed it was me making the comments, or at least some of them.  I pretty much stayed out of it. 

In the past few days of being a working mother, I found time to wonder about the phenomenon of shit-talking.  I went to a party over the weekend where some friends of mine and I discussed an acquaintance who had recently flounced into a gathering and bragged about a work-related success of his.  Without going into the boring details, I will simply say that we all mightily enjoyed taking him down a peg or two, behind his back over cocktails.  It fills some human need to turn to a trusted pal and whisper, “Are you fucking kidding me, this guy?” and have that person laugh or roll her eyes.

I enjoyed reading other humans out there in cyberland reacting to Kelle Hampton’s annoying “come frolic, wearing red cowboy boots (pigeon-toed, natch!) in the magic of my littles” writing style that is so weighed-down in similes, metaphors and self-conscious alliteration that it almost reads as parody.  It satisfies something in the human condition to both build someone up and then tear them down. It is the mark of true American success.

The comments I received calling me a “fucking asshole, ” or (my favorite) a “Twinkie eating bitch” are a testament to the loyalty of her fanatics (the true origin of the word “fan”).  I felt bad about the Twinkie comment, because I read it on my phone in the middle of the night and my shocked laughter woke my husband. 

Now I have to find a new hobby, though, because blooming Hampton, or perhaps her overprotective “Poppa,” Rik, shut off the “anonymous” feature on the comment form.  Bummer.  Maybe I can get back into “Days of Our Lives.”

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About Mrs Odie

Like you, only funnier.
This entry was posted in Essays/Commentary, Pure side-splitting comedy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Okay, I can’t resist one more.

  1. shellie says:

    It is official, you are too friggin’ funny!! Keep blogging cause yours make me laugh out loud!!

  2. mrsk6 says:

    I actually went and searched for the post and comments you mentioned. Oy. First, I read the gushing and could very clearly see how ridiculous it all is. I mean, really, does SHE like all that garbage? It makes these other women seem so desperate and jealous. I would hate to put that out there about myself (if it were true). That “I wanna be just like you.. gush gush gush.” Shouldn’t we only strive to be the best version of ourselves that we can be? And while I totally agree with the anon who quoted you, I’m not sure it was quite polite to then give a link to your blog!

  3. Mrs Odie 2 says:

    Mrs K-6, I agree. I would have wanted to be asked, but it’s not like people can’t Google it.

  4. stephammo says:

    Love your honesty. I like reading Kelle’s blog but I do agree with the fact that it sometimes feels a bit like Groundhog Day. I have a daughter with DS as well which is how I came across her blog. I think most likely she is struggling with things and perhaps this is her release. I remember that first year after having my daughter as being a blur of trying to tell myself how wonderful my life was and how I wanted everyone to know about it so I can relate. I like how you address that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea and I’m not even sure how I got to your site but I appreciate your wit. We all need to release the inner bitch at times! It just comes naturally!! Perhaps Kelle could benefit from releasing her inner bitch too!! Keep up your blogging, while I like to think I am a positive person most of the time, it’s also good to remind myself that by reading your blog I can be reminded that we are all human beings with many cracks and faults……

  5. Emily says:

    Wow. I just came across all of your KH posts today and Jesus Christ, woman, where were you when I got into with Rik and all the loonies?

    http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/09/family-marrow.html

    I am Emily in the comments. A few people came to my defense, but fahhhhhk if I couldn’t have used your rapier wit on my side.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      I remember reading this back when it happened. At that point, the “anonymous” feature had been removed from the blog, and I didn’t want to post as Mrs. Odie 2, since I was already getting so much wrath from KH readers. I also recall thinking that I couldn’t have said it better than you, nor added anything to what you were saying. Rereading Rik Poppa’s comments got my blood boiling as his comments always did. His condescension disguised as love is too much to bear. And if you aren’t willing to succumb to his self-conscious prose meant to impress people with how literate and skilled he is, then he’ll bring up Jesus and remind you that he’s a PASTOR or a chaplain or something. I don’t know much about that shit. He’ll quote the Bible to you, and borrow its authority to defend his spoiled rotten kid. But his post to you will be so LOVING. So, “I just don’t understand people like you who see only ugliness because I see such a beautiful world. I am so sad for you. I will PRAY FOR YOU.” Killing you with kindness is still homicide with intent to kill.

      • Emily says:

        Isn’t that the truth, though? It was also painfully obvious that he hadn’t made the slightest attempt to understand what I was saying (which, in the beginning, really was more an observation than insult) and instead gave me his canned god/life/beauty bullshit in all its mixed-metaphor glory. And then someone had the nerve to tell me to give it a rest when Rik was the one who couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie.

        It really chaps my hide that Kelle doesn’t engage at all in her own comments section. I’m sorry, but if you’re not accessible to discussion, further introspection, and questions then you shouldn’t be blogging in the first place. It’s kind of part of the deal.

        I shouldn’t let myself be so bothered by this, but I am.

        Anyway, thanks for putting into words what so many of us are thinking.

        • Mrs Odie 2 says:

          I seriously doubt she reads the comments anymore. She has so many projects! She tells her readers so ALL THE TIME. Besides, neither she nor her never mentioned husband has a job, so she’s very very busy.

  6. Amanda says:

    Thanks for explaining the anonymous thing. I like Kelle Hampton’s blog, although lately it has been a little boring to read and have thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts, as well as others, although I don’t completely agree with all of it. Anyways, I kept wondering why you wouldn’t post under your name. Obviously, you are very open on your blog about your feelings and anyone can find you, so I wasn’t sure why then you wanted to hide behind an anonymous identity on your comments on her blog. I get it now.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      I think that in our information world, anonymity is tenuous at best. Some day, I will write under my name. Now is not the time, though.

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