BFN 10DPO FYI, etc.

Today, I peed on a stick (POAS in the online trying to conceive community) and got a BFN (Big Fat Negative, or Big Fucking Negative).  Mixed feelings abound.  I became well-versed in the TTC (Trying To Conceive) acronyms during my six months of “trying” (translation: having frequent, well-timed, unprotected sex) to get pregnant.  I hate internet acronyms.  As an English teacher who fights the abbreviation revolution of my beloved language every day, I find the DH, DD, DS, LOL, IMO, et al utterly intolerable.  Any one of my Fertility Friend dot-com friends can look in my chat threads and see that I have always taken the trouble to type “my husband” and “my daughter.”  I don’t judge the women who abbreviate.  I just cannot join you.  I’m sorry.

But if I were in a FF chat room right now, I’d be telling them I am 10 DPO, even though I haven’t been “charting” and today was the earliest possible day I could test.  It was also Odie’s first day of teaching the 2010 school year (they started so late this year!), so I promised myself that if it WERE a BFP (Big Fat/Fucking Positive), I would keep this morsel to myself until he got home.  Instead, I shared the happy news that we will not be having another baby in June.  He wanted to be relieved, but he told me that he wouldn’t completely relax until “AF showed up.”

That’s Aunt Flow to you and me.

One of my recent commenters made some excellent points about having another child.  If I’m a good mother (she’s from the UK, so she said “mum” which I find so delightfully charming), then I should bless a second child with my talents.  If I’m a terrible mother, then my poor “DD” is going to need a sibling to help spread the crazy.  I’m paraphrasing.

Odie and I have discussed this at length.  I have written about it here before too.  In spite of all his reservations and the logical reasons why we shouldn’t procreate a second time, I have always wanted to do it anyway.  And Odie’s like, “Myeh, if it means more sex, I’m down.”

I am an optimist.  Did you just spit your wine all over your computer?  Believe it.  Life is a goddamn adventure.  Children are one of the best parts of it.  They are the only shot most of us have at leaving something lasting on this earth.  Great teachers and writers are lucky to leave legacies of learning and words.  I should be so lucky, but if I’m not, I did meld DNA with my beloved, and we’re pretty tickled about the result.  Why not roll the dice again?  See if we can get my nose this time.

My optimism has faced some wicked challenges of late.  My district has cut my health care benefits in ways that take my breath away.  I also have the aforementioned 10% pay cut that is likely to be permanent.  It will take many years of little raises (frozen indefinitely due to budget issues, according to my union reps) to get back to the salary I was earning TWO YEARS AGO.  I have almost fifty grand in student loans to pay back.  The news about the U.S. economy looks bleak.  Teaching used to be a sweet gig for a small family.  Benefits, shorter hours, summers off, tenure, a comfortable pension.  With the recession and the wars and the gulf oil disaster (I can’t call it a “spill.”  A “spill” is something I do on the kitchen floor and clean up with the hem of my sweatshirt), the world is looking less and less like a place for two public school teachers to try to raise two children.

Maybe Odie’s genetic predisposition to gloom is finally wearing off on me after seven years together.

We’ve been lucky.  For the most part, we have what we need and what we want too.  I can’t afford a new car, but we can make do with what we have for now.  We don’t get to take vacations or eat out at restaurants often, but that’s ok too.  Recently, however, I went online looking for some toys for Baby V.  The kid LOVES “Yo Gabba Gabba!” and I wanted to get her a set of the characters.  They used to carry this stuff at Target and Toys ‘R Us, but I’d been to the stores and found nothing but OTHER Nick Jr. merchandise.  When Baby V picked up a “Wonder Pets” cell phone that sang the theme song to that infernal show, I nearly threw it and ran screaming from the store.  It’s that sewious.

I found the YGG! toys on-line, but the set I liked was over $150 dollars.  We simply don’t have that kind of “extra” cash in the budget, and it pained me a little.  They’re just toys, and my 16 month old doesn’t really care either way, but I felt for the first time that I couldn’t get her something she’d really love to have.  The trials and tribulations of the bourgeoisie.  Next I’m going to complain about how my maid is always hiding shit, right?

It’s a good life.  It really is.  But maybe it’s going to be just the three of us.


About Mrs Odie

Friendly Pedant; Humble Genius
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16 Responses to BFN 10DPO FYI, etc.

  1. mary says:

    Mrs Odie,
    I rarely read blogs, or comment on the few I check in on from time to time. We are roughly the same age, and I too wanted a second child. I went on to have another child, and they are less than two years apart! I didn’t want to wait too long as advanced maternal age placed me at higher risks for complications. And, yes, Down syndrome was a well known risk. Of course, one never thinks something like that will happen to them, so you shove that concern to a remote part of your brain. Well, it did happen to me. I was stunned. I somehow found Ms Hampton’s blog because of our shared experience. I guess what I wonder is why you feel such a need to criticize her. Her life and way of thinking differs from yours. So what? You know, we all have difficulties and challenges. That is life. And, if you have not had an event rock your foundation to its core yet, you will. There is no escaping. It just comes at different times and in different forms for each of us. She is uplifting to many like me. And, it has little to do with a DS connection. Life is tough enough without people like you being downright mean and critical of others because their circumstances and actions differ from yours. There has to be something lacking in a person’s life for them to set out to focus on Ms. Hampton as you do. Whatever may be at the root of it, I hope you will come to realize how much better this world would be if we supported one another rather than seeking to gain attention by picking on others. That is one thing you will never find as Kelle shares her enthusiasm for choosing to seek enjoyment in life’s small things. Something we should all aspire to in our own way.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      I hate words like “should.” And I disagree that I’m “downright mean.” I don’t think that “other blogger” should be above criticism merely because she has a child with DS. I’m critical of her writing because I’m a critic. I don’t criticize her child. It must be very difficult to have a special needs child. It’s something I don’t push to the back of my mind. I had 5 ultrasounds and an amnio because it was a concern very much at the front of my mind. If I had a SN child, I would love and nurture him/her, but I worry what stress it would place on my marriage and my life. No one wants extra stress. That “other blogger”, nameless here forever more, can write what and how she chooses. And a small group of us like to snicker at it. All in good fun. Clearly you aren’t one of us. Peace to you on your journey.

      • mary says:

        Thankfully, my child is physically healthy. The concerns lie ahead for what level of intellectual impairment we will face. When I say it was pushed to the back of my mind….it’s because I would have not chosen to abort my child. I am a firm believer that God created my child….extra chromosome and all with a plan in place. An amnio was not necessary for me….it would have changed nothing. I realize not everyone shares that view. After all, the stats tell us 90% of women choose to kill their unborn child. I have met some amazing young kids with abilities that many would be astonished by….or, that 90% stat would’t be there. It’s all about shedding fear and choosing to become educated. You may have made another choice, and while I feel sad for that, that is your right in the society we live in. Not everyone is capable of raising a child with special needs. So true! Many people aren’t capable of raising their kids without special needs. My hope for you is that you aren’t asked to step up to a job like that. It likely would not suit you. The point is…why criticize anyone beyond perhaps your students who hopefully receive constructive criticism. This world is just full of too many people who possess/display qualities that are far from “constructive.” And for what reason? I’ll never understand. All the best to you.

        • Odie says:

          Mary – you are hilarious! Your “can’t we all just get along and support each other on this journey called life?” sentiment is totally undermined by your criticisms. Your assumption that we got the amnio so we could plan for an abortion (as opposed to planning for reality) is more offensive and critical that anything my wife has ever written! And to suggest that she wouldn’t be able to handle the challenges of raising a special needs child is obviously just your way of helping you feel better about yourself. If you want to tell yourself that you have been chosen by God to raise a special needs child, and to assume that you are better than other people who don’t enjoy white-washed tales of life on a private island, you go girl! Whatever gets you through the day… But, be aware of the poignant irony of you doing these things and then getting on my wife’s case for supposedly doing the same (but to a much lesser extent). It’s no wonder you find K-Hamp’s exploitative, self-aggrandizing prose that reads like a parody of itself to be uplifting. But, in the spirit of people who say shitty things thinly veiled by “all the best to you”, all the best to you!

  2. mary says:

    We all are on different journeys. Oh how nice it would be if we could all just see that life is challenging for us all, and have a caring attitude for fellow man rather than one of jealousy or prejudice. Just having trouble understanding the numerous threads focusing on Ms. Hampton. Sorry, but I was just so perplexed by it. No further comments from me….was just a plea to perhaps adopt a more tolerant attitude to a fellow traveler on this journey called Life. How nice would that be? I’m done now. I hope nothing but good things for all who choose to follow Mrs. Odie, and I sincerely mean that. And Mrs. Odie, may you find peace with however the whole POAS thing turns out in the future…what is meant to be will be. 🙂

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      Thank you! And I think we just fundamentally disagree. I don’t think we should just all support each other. I think the great thing about our society is that we can call “bullshit” on things. I got in a huge fight with a friend because I didn’t “support” Sarah Palin because she was a woman and a mother. The fact that we both have ovaries doesn’t change the fact that we have different values.

      That other blogger chose to make herself a public figure. I don’t think me criticizing her to get attention (which I’ve openly admitted) is worse or different than her getting attention for having a SN child.

  3. ASDmomNC says:

    I’m going to just politely ignore the giant elephant in the room and skip right on over to my original thought on this whole thing: LEAVE CALIFORNIA. My husband could get a job in CA in about 10 seconds, yet it (and Florida…shudder…) are on our “never want to live there” lists. California’s cost of living is obscene. Period. Get the heck out of there and move to a state with a more realistic cost of living, and Baby V. can be swimming in YGG figurines.

    Speaking as a labor and delivery nurse, I also wanted to tell you to not count your negatives before they hatch. Not to be a huge debbie downer here, but I’m with Mr. Odie on this one….it ain’t over until AF sings. Just sayin’…..

    I think you’d enjoy a second baby, and Baby V. would love a sib. Just get the heck out of CA first. 😀

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      I have wanted to leave California for a VERY long time. Problem is, all the places I love (Seattle, Portland…) are just as expensive as California! Okay, not just as expensive, to be sure, but if I taught high school in Seattle, for example, I’d have to take a $20,000 pay cut and get a new license (which would require classes and therefore money). But we’re open to it. I do dream of having land and fresh air and being safe from Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan on the roads.

      • ASDmomNC says:

        Well, there’s plenty of room in NC, and I’m pretty sure they have special programs for teachers to get an NC license. We’s friendly folk out here, even if we do talk funny.

  4. JoyM says:

    OK-so you are what, 12DPO now? Did you POAS today or are you resisting the urge and waiting until AF is officially late? (HA! Like anyone does that!)

    I just saw a mom’s chart who got a BFN on 15DPO (with a very clear O date) and got a BFP on a blood test the next day. Crazy, huh?

    Just wondering if we’ll be Due Date buddies again….

    I’m only 8DPO myself so no POAS for me…yet.

  5. Rosie says:

    Okay – this has nothing to do with that POAS stuff. But I do wish you luck with that.
    I found a most interesting book yesterday in the “how to write” section of the library. The title is “In Search of the World’s Worst Writers- A Celebration of Triumphantly Bad Literature”” by Nick Page. It’s hilarious.
    Garnering the stop spot for the world’s worst writing is a lady by the name of Amanda McKittrick Ros. However, The Blogger Whose Name Shall Not Be Mentioned would love her. Let me give you a little taste from one of Ros’s novels:
    ‘….”Heavenly Pater,” she began, “listen to the words of a daughter of affliction, and, chase, I Pray Thee, instantly, the dismal perplexities that presently clog the filmy porse of her weary brain into the stream of trickling nothingness. Bind their origin with cloth of coloured shame, and restore, Thou, her equilibrium with draughts of soothing good.”
    And suck the marrow out of life.
    (Honestly, she’s hanging on to that phrase for dear life. I didn’t like it too much when I studied Thoreau, and haaaaaaated it when Robin WIlliams went on and on about it in “Dead Poets Society”. Do you think she may have deluded herself into thinking she coined it?)

  6. mrsk6 says:

    In some schools in Westchester County, starting teacher pay is $80k. Then you’d be nice and close to me! (in proximity, you’d be way “richer”). I’m just sayin’! Love you and your insights, you are the best compliment to a glass of wine!

  7. mary says:

    MR. Odie,
    I do wish the apology I wrote had been posted here. I have no idea why you got the amnio, nor what you would have done had the results revealed a problem. I DID NOT SAY THE TWO OF YOU WOULD HAVE ABORTED!!! The point I made is that too many people have amnios for other reasons than ‘being prepared’. Babies are killed unnecessarily every day in our country. I was a little defensive to your wife’s reference to a SN child as “an added stress. No one wants added stress.” I remember a post of hers talking about her saying she couldn’t abort, but would never want a disabled child. I don’t remember verbatim, nor do I remember the title of the entry. Of course I wouldn’t have chosen for my child to have a special need. But, I can say I wanted my child however God saw fit to provide him to me. As you contemplate (or are in the process of), conceiving another child, you may find yourselves in my shoes. I hope not for you, but at her age it is a very real possibility. God forbid, but if you get results like that at birth or beforehand, just know that a SN child is not an “added stress”. My two kids will have different experiences as they grow. That would be the case if they were both typical. There will be unique challenges with both, but you have to keep it all in perspective. They are not a “stress” that can set to weaken your marriage, etc. unless you choose to look at it that way and allow that. I am sorry to have offended you or your wife in any way. Please accept my words and apology here. I did not intend to offend, or have you feel the need to come to her rescue. I am sorry Mr. Odie. I am sorry Mrs. Odie. I don’t know why it matters to me, but I wish you would post my apology here.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      My husband and I now feel bad if we were overly harsh. We’re sorry. We were NEVER going to have an abortion. And let me clarify. I panicked mightily when I had a fetus with pyelectasis. My perinatologist said I now had a DS risk four times what it was with just my age, blood test and nuchal measurement. I also made the huge mistake of going to the internet and typing in pyelectasis. Apparently, it was four times more common in boys (I’d just found out I was having a daughter) and that seemed to suggest that maybe it was even more of an indication of DS. I DID say that I didn’t want a disabled child. I’m ashamed of it, but that is how I felt. And just like most people think Kelle Hampton is “brave” for admitting that on the first night of her daughter’s life, she “writhed in agony” over the pain of having that child instead of the one she expected, maybe people can likewise forgive me for spending a morning feeling the way I did. If not, I understand. I understand that once you love your child, she isn’t a “burden” or “extra stress.” Any more than any additional child is extra stress, because let’s admit it, kids are stressful. As for my marriage, I know that people with SN children are statistically more likely to get divorced. That’s all I meant. I’d like to believe that both Odie and I would rise to the challenge admirably, but I’m not sure.

  8. mary says:

    Thank you, Mrs. Odie. I certainly do not fault you for those feelings as they were perfectly honest. I was in shock when I learned things were different than what I expected. It took a good hour or so for it to truly sink in. But, my son was physically perfect and there was much to be thankful for as many babies face heart surgery, etc. My husband and I just knew we were glad to be on his team. We loved him, and we knew we would be able to nurture him. From kids I have worked with, nurture over nature plays a far bigger role in the development of any child, SN or not. I think most people do rise to the occasion even if we tend to doubt just how strong we are(or have the potential to be). All normal feelings. I don’t fault you.

    You’ll probably find this hard to believe, but we would like to have another child. We have a higher risk they say for DS (like 1 in 100). We had talked about three kids prior to learning that we would be parents to a SN child. My son’s DS didn’t change that desire and we aren’t getting any younger! Would it happen again? Greater odds for no with his type of DS, but certainly possible. Would it provide even greater stimulation and thereby benefit development? Would he be robbed of time he would really need with a third child around? All things to consider and there is no one right answer. In the end, we are left with knowing the desire for a third remains. So, I really understand your doubts, and yet simultaneous desire, for another child (even though our circumstances are quite different). I think you just go with your gut, and stop worrying so much. Life has a way of just working out most of the time. And that means different things for different people. All too often, blessings come in disguises, in the oddest of places, and in the most unexpected circumstances! I’m glad we’ve cleared the air here. Thanks for the response.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      I hope that you have a third child. My parents had 3, and my little sister is amazing. My parents would have missed out on a lot if they’d stopped with me. So would I!

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