In the mommy forums I participate in, I hear about this phenomenon called “nesting.” Apparently, as the birth of a woman’s baby approaches, she has this uncontrollable compulsion to clean and organize and prepare her home for the arrival. What a bunch of bullshit, I thought today as I wiped down the walls, doors, and baseboards of my bathroom with water and bleach then scrubbed the floor on my hands and knees. The lunatics on these forums drive me crazy sometimes with their old wives tales.

You know what my house needs? Towel bars in the bathroom. And definitely some extra shelves as well, where I can store V’s bath toys. I’m tired of having them in a swampy mess on the floor by the tub. That damn ring around the tub won’t come out no matter how hard I scrub.

I wish I could sew. I desperately want curtains in the bedroom. There are blinds on the windows, the cheapo Sears kind, and over the years our cats have destroyed them. All of them bend toward you in a poke-your-eye-out sort of way.

The cobwebs in the corners need sweeping out. I shopped for vacuum cleaners online yesterday and the one I want is way too expensive. The reviews say it will suck your carpet back to life, but not just any life, a life better than any your carpet has ever known. It will remove the dog and cat hair so efficiently and completely, you can sculpt an entire new dog and cat from the hair in the collection chamber. I drooled over it, but $539? Forget it. I may be a typical wealthy public school teacher, but even I have my limits of excess.

You would think that if someone in this house were going to break the toilet seat in the middle of the night, smart money would be on the pregnant lady. Wrong. This is no commentary on Odie’s weight. He’s a tall man (over 6’3″), so he weighs a normal amount for his height, but this was more about the age and quality of our toilet seat. So, I have to go shopping and get a new toilet seat. And while I’m at it, a new drain stopper for the tub (since we’ve been using the lid of an old yogurt container for about five years now), a toilet plunger, a mop, more bleach, and a scrub brush.

I wish I could paint the house.

And I definitely need a new car.