For a week now, I have been in the grips of a terrible virus. It began as a feeling of swelling in my larynx that made my voice a bit raspy and felt weird when I swallowed. Sunday morning, it was a sore throat. I felt a little tired and out of sorts all day Monday, but it was day three of a visit from the in-laws, so I attributed it to that. V came down with croup Sunday night, so I figured we had the same virus. She ended up missing school for the whole week. Odie was home with her for two days, then I took over. I struggled through work Tuesday and barely survived Wednesday. I literally sat at the front of my class like Jabba the Hut (minus Salacious Crumb or a slave girl on a chain) holding toilet paper to my dripping nose and trying to give grammar instruction in between bouts of spasmodic coughing.

When I got home and discovered V woke up from her nap with a 103.7 degree fever, I enthusiastically volunteered to take my turn staying home with her. I hear there was a shortage of subs at work and no one picked up my assignment. The same thing happened on Friday, but I assume the administration handled it somehow. I’m kind of scared to go back tomorrow and find out what my kids did to my room, but I’m willing to let bygones be bygones. Just this once.

I’m a miserable patient. Odie deserves to win this month’s Family Jesus award. He has dealt beautifully with a 36 weeks pregnant sick wife and an equally sick two year-old. I’m also indebted to my mother-in-law, because when it comes to complaining, she really broke him in for me.

I have horrible pain when I cough. I never believed that people could really break their ribs coughing, but I believe it now. My left sinus is completely blocked with mucus. The whole left side of my face hurt so bad that I couldn’t tell if it was a sinus infection, an ear infection, or a toothache.  The phenergan with codeine (which is called “sizzurp” on the street, Jessica tells me) gives me a splitting headache and isn’t worth taking. My home remedy of Robitussin DM and an extra-strength Tylenol is a passable substitute. Thanks to Odie, I’ve been able to nap from ten a.m. to nearly two, including V’s nap. Unfortunately, I have to breathe through my mouth the whole time, so I have a brutal sore throat.

Oh, and I’m 36 weeks pregnant, so the constant heartburn contributes to making me the miserable bitch I am today.

And I know it’s pretty bad because I offered Odie a little somethin’-somethin’ and he politely declined. This is the guy who reminds me every day (sometimes several times a day) that if I feel like a little romance, just let him know.

Remember how all the Pepe Le Pew cartoons ended? Pepe relentlessly pursued his feline would-be conquest until she somehow ended up in a barrel of rainwater. Soaking wet, coughing and hacking, disheveled and no longer accidentally disguised as a skunk, she was anything but appealing to Monsieur Le Pew, who hastily made excuses, and then a quick exit.

It pretty much went down like that.

I go back to work tomorrow, even though I don’t feel up to it yet. I’m out of sick days and I will get no pay for the two days I missed last week. At this point, I need to either suck it up (and by “it” I mean the insane amount of mucus I’m carrying around in my head), or just go on early maternity leave and take 50% pay for the last 9 days of school. I’m going to choose the former, because I don’t have it all wrapped up at work enough to just hand it over to someone else. I also gave my principal my word that I would see this through to the end. I want to be that person who keeps her word.

Sure is tempting to go the other way, though.