I can’t remember where I read it, but a blogger wondered if you were to meet certain popular bloggers in person, if they would be anything like their online personas.

I would.

That is, if my self perception is accurate.

In real life, I am quick with a joke. I think I play even better in person because I have people to bounce off of. I kill in the teachers’ lounge.

Some mommy bloggers make their lives seem ideal. They bake, they craft, they wipe noses, they homeschool, they split the atom. Their husbands are supermen who never do any wrong.

I don’t do that shit. I don’t pretend to do that shit. I cuss a lot. And my dad doesn’t read my blog, so he doesn’t give a crap what kind of language I use. It isn’t that my dad doesn’t love me. He text messages me on my birthday or thereabouts just like any loving father. But this is a chick blog. What sixty-something straight man reads chick blogs?

And my husband is not a superman, but I think he’s a better than average husband and dad. If you met him, you would not be stunned to discover he is nothing like I described. Ask him about math or physics and he’ll talk forever. Do NOT get him going on the subject of how we’re running out of potable water or the crisis of the pig poop lagoons, because he will depress the hell out of you and scare you half to death.

I would make you laugh and probably offend you a little. I wouldn’t listen to you enough. I might even interrupt you to say something I am thinking. That’s why I talk so much on this blog and you talk so little.

You would meet my kids and find them adorable, like all children. My oldest, Viva, would completely amaze you with her ability to talk like a four year-old even though she is two. I don’t exaggerate that. Everyone who meets her remarks on it. I am proud, but I don’t take credit. I didn’t sit her down and teach her to talk. You would ask me if you can hold my two month old bundle of chub, Pringles. I happily would hand her over to you, but you would find within a minute or so that she isn’t a “pass around” kind of baby.

If you met me, you would discover I live in a rental house with very old furniture and nothing on the walls except cobwebs. The toilets are clean, though. The place isn’t a “shithole” like Odie claims. It just looks like a family with two kids lives in it. And they don’t open their mail.

My persona is very similar to my personality. Except my friend Lori would tell you I’m nicer. That I’m a sap. I can’t teach poetry in my class because I cry. “I have something in my eye” only works about the first ten times. I have a tough exterior and a soft center. I have this Lori person totally fleeced.

I hope that my blog portrays a clever woman who has exceptional grammar. Someone who loves nothing more than to make people laugh. Someone who sees her flaws and wants to be more. Wants to be better.

You’d like me, if you met me. I’d be exactly who you were expecting. You just wish I’d let YOU say something for a damn change.