Thoughtful Thursday

Alec Baldwin’s engagement to Hilaria Thomas, 28 year-old yoga teacher, has me irrationally angry. Then I become angry at myself for being like my mother: irrationally angry.

One morning, my mom was at my house and the weather report was on. Our local weathergirl is petite and Asian with breasts the size of her own head. That is not hyperbole. Either of her tits could be placed on top of her neck and would approximate the size of a head. And if it were placed there, men would actually look in the direction of her face. I said something along those lines to my mom and she said, with no trace of irony, “I know and it makes me SO ANGRY!”

I rolled my eyes at her, a move I perfected at 14. Why waste energy being angry at such a thing?

Because she’s old and alone and no man will even look at her except maybe to say “Get out of my way, lady.” Because when she sees the buxom Asian woman on TV, telling us it’s going to be another sunny day in L.A., she knows that is what men want. Not her.

As a woman, you get to an age where you realize men are no longer looking at you. From the time your breasts budded, you have been enduring the lecherous, longing, or loving advances of boys and men. I remember when I was in my teens, that famous statistic came out that a single woman in her forties has a better chance of being hijacked by a terrorist than married. So, I guess she better hope that terrorist is single.

If my husband met me on the street today, he wouldn’t look at me twice. He’d probably think, “Cute kids,” and move on. I’m ready to be hot again, although I wish that sitting on my ass and eating ice cream were the keys to that kingdom. I know I will never be hot like I was at 23, but I will also never be that self-righteous or crazy. Everything is a trade-off.

Baldwin is rich, intelligent, handsome, funny, and famous. At 54 years-old, he is 26 years older than his fiancée. That’s not just old enough to be her father. It’s old enough to be her father who didn’t have kids too young. Why should I care?

I’m insecure. I was raised by someone who frequently comments on women’s beauty and they’re always the same kind of women: young and sexy. When I told my dad I watch “Game of Thrones” he mentioned that he knows one of the producers. “He’s married to Amanda Peet, so he’s doing pretty well.” His tone said, “DUH. What more could a man want?” Maybe Amanda Peet is an awful crazy bitch, though. Doesn’t matter. She’s gorgeous. I also mentioned I recognized the name of a woman he worked with in the 80s as the executive producer of a show I watched. “Yeah, I saw her recently,” he remarked. “She looked old and fat. She was wearing some caftanny thing.” Here he made a face as though he’d had a stroke. This is the attitude of the man who shaped my attitude about men.

As long as I am young and hot, my man is “doing well.” If I’m old and fat, he must be disgusted and miserable and paralyzed on one side of his face. Thankfully, I didn’t marry a man who thinks that. Or did I? Don’t they all think that? If Odie were rich and powerful and had young athletic women throwing themselves at his money, would I stand a chance?

Ultimately, the problem is me. These troubling thoughts are symptoms of a psyche that needs more healing. I’m running out of time, too. I’m still young and I don’t have a whole lifetime to work this shit out. I have many blessings. A flat tummy is not currently one of them, but a happy baby who just learned how to clap is. I think I made a good trade.

Alec Baldwin may be handsome, rich, funny, and smart, but he’s also a raging narcissist who called his own daughter a “thoughtless pig” because he felt rejected. I think he has no choice but to find himself a twenty-eight year old.

A fifty-four year-old woman wouldn’t take his shit.

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About Mrs Odie

Like you, only funnier.
This entry was posted in Essays/Commentary, Marriage and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Thoughtful Thursday

  1. Mrs Odie 2 says:

    Odie said, “If I were really rich, I think I would have the problem lots of rich men have where I would never know if those women loved me for myself or if they just loved my money. So I would have to have sex with hundreds of them in order to find out.”

  2. Adelae says:

    Enjoyed this. I did consider myself lucky to marry right before 30, and sometimes I feel guilty for the thought that I’ve somehow snagged my husband and he can’t get away now that we are married and have a child. Although he could. But he wouldn’t. I suppose this is why I feel guilty for thinking it. He often laments that he will never be able to overcome my insecurities.

  3. Mamaof3 says:

    I married at 19. I’m 32 now and have the miles of 3 kids on me. No way possible to compete with my 19 year old self. And while marrying so young has many trade-offs I will say that marrying at the height of one’s beauty was helpful in a lot of ways. I put up with nothing because I knew there were 100 guys behind the one in front of me. I doubt that is the case after 30. My father remarried someone my age a few years ago. He’s very proud of himself. Thankfully not all men are like that though (my mother married remarried a younger man and they just celebrated their 25th anniversary). Thank God I had him as an example of what men can be. Cause if you’ve never seen it- it’s hard to beleive it exists. Oh, and tell Odie that all those groupies would likely have genital warts. That’s what I always tell myself anyway.

  4. jd says:

    I think huge age gaps like Baldwin’s are just revolting. What could they really have in common? I imagine marriages like this only last until the first wife gets too old in his warped mind and the creepy husband goes looking for another twenty something. I also believe that any woman wanting a guy so far removed from her age almost always wants a. his money or b. a father figure (or both!)

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      I doubt she’d be dating a 54 year-old man who didn’t fly her to Sundance. Expect her to quit her job soon because of “media attention” and be pregnant within a year of the wedding.

  5. Well said. You can be as funny, rich and smart as you like, but if you’re a raging douchebag, jog on my friend.

    As for the “It’s all downhill once you reach 30” comment above, I disagree. I turned 30 in November and finally feel like the person I’ve been becoming all these years. I’m more confident in myself and I’ve learned not to take any shit or let anyone make me unhappy – life is too goddam short. I feel more on the cusp of my life and with more opportunities ahead of me now than I did when I was 19. Bring it.

    Belated happy birthday by the way!

  6. kelly says:

    I always enjoy your writing, but this time I also enjoyed your insight. When looking at these young girls who marry older men, just remember — beauty fades but stupid lasts forever.

  7. Summer says:

    30 is such a long way from 40. For those of you who are 30 and ‘coming into your own’ just wait until 40. Ok, so I;m being a shit. 🙂 But it’s true. And honestly I have never been glad I snagged my husband young. Very, very interesting perspective. Never crossed my mind but I may have to bring it up for fun! Lately, I’m more about bashing myself over not being the perfect mother. I should broaden my insecurities!

  8. Um, I just read that HT “will not eat” dairy, meat, gluten or sugar. Being engaged to Alec Baldwin is evidently the least of her problems.

  9. Cathy Cann says:

    I loved this!
    When I see girls like Hilaria, I always think out loud, “You’re gonna earn every penny, honey”. I’m feeling generous today, so I’ll wish them both happiness…he is cute and funny and yes, I’m sure, an egomaniac. ; )

  10. Chris says:

    You know, it’s funny, but I have honestly never thought about it from that perspective – like, in essence, would my husband still want me if he met me today? I am insecure about boatloads of stuff, but (until now -lol) this isn’t one of them.

    I also grew up in a house where my dad was very much the better looking of my two parents, but he has always believed the sun rose and set on my mother – to him, she is the best-looking, most intelligent, kindest person he has ever known – and he made sure everyone around him, including his two daughters, always knew that opinion.

    So maybe I was just lucky? I got a mom and dad who have been happily married for almost 40 years, who still hold hands in public and who valued everything about us, and always let us know.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      I mean he wouldn’t look at me right now. I’m not at my best right now. I’ve had a terrible time losing my pregnancy weight from baby #2. I didn’t have this much trouble after the first one. I’m really struggling.

  11. Michael says:

    You’re pretty funny. First, I stumbled upon your blog because you posted something about KH. My wife, also a serial blogger (ok, her blogging annoys the shit out of me sometimes) (ok, it annoys me frequently) (ok, fine, I’ll admit, it annoys me to no end–well, sometimes) also does not like KH, and is reading her book right now–but only so she can review it. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be anywhere near the internet when she posts her review. But, I digress. It’s hard to objectively consider whether I would want my wife if I met her today, so I won’t. But I can say, with all honesty, that with each passing year she has become more beautiful to me. She is in her mid-40s (so am I), and while younger girls can sure look hot (as I get older, it seems like girls are getting hotter and hotter–don’t remember them being that hot when I was younger), there is something much more appealing about a woman who has come into her own, is more confident. and is someone you can have a conversation with. I’m sure your husband finds you as attractive now as he did when you met, even if it may be for different reasons.

  12. Anne says:

    Loved your post and found it while searching for this fiancée. Just an FYI she is a total liar. I grew up with her and her whole back story is a total lie. And her name is not Hilaria. Ridiculous! They are both nuts and belong together. Her parents are his age.

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