Poppa Issues

A few nights ago, I had a vivid dream. I was invited to Florida to meet Kelle Hampton. I knew I had to be dreaming when I agreed to go. I once saw a Palmetto bug in the Museum of Natural History, and that was enough to keep me on the opposite coast FOREVER.

When I arrived, I was greeted by my subconscious’ version of members of her family: her husband, sister, and father. The sister seemed embarrassed and uncomfortable, Poppa was positively smug. Kelle herself was not there, for she was out with the kids, taking pictures for her next blog post. I was escorted to a well-appointed table for dinner, but overcome with paranoia I excused myself to use the restroom. There, I checked my dream version of Poppa Rik’s blog on my phone and saw that he had just posted “The trap is set! The bitch is here!” and the title of his post was “Mrs. Odie is Going Down!”

(Odie snickers, “That was MY dream!”)

The dream got murky there, as dreams do, but somehow I escaped that set up and reunited with my husband. In my dream, he was being played by actor Edward Norton, which was a delightful surprise. Not scary “American History X” Ed Norton, but more along the lines of “Rounders” Norton. Edward/Odie presented me with dream Kelle’s latest book. It was pink with a lace overlay tied with a pretty little silver metallic bow. It looked like a wedding invitation. Inside, a chapter titled “Mrs. Odie is a Bitch” revealed my true identity.

“Mrs. Odie’s real name is: Carrie White.”

I remember being completely freaked and then relieved in a heartbeat because that is NOT my name.

Arthur C. Clarke wrote, “The mind has labyrinthine ways of going about its business.” When I woke up, I had to chuckle. I’ve been working on my novel the past few weeks and I’m simultaneously reading Stephen King’s “On Writing.” Carrie White is the name of the protagonist in his first novel.

I realize that by posting this, I’m opening myself up to all kinds of amateur dream analysis. My therapist would say “Everyone in your dream is you,” so I am both my harshest critic, my own accusor, and my hero. And apparently, I’m Edward Norton.

I had a text conversation with my dad earlier in the day that also set me up for a dream dealing with daddy issues. He’s casting the latest show he wrote, and emailed me pictures of the “drop-dead gorgeous” twenty-somethings they picked. It triggered all kinds of I’m not good enough feelings and made me melancholy. Still, I’m glad my father issues are what they are rather than anyone else’s. I wouldn’t want him telling people we share the same spleen and feeling like he needs to come to my defense or my offense. If he reads my blog, he has never mentioned it except to tell me he thinks I’m a great writer, and he would never tell me I can’t fucking swear.

In my dream, I was horrified at the prospect of being outed, which will happen someday. I got over that terror and accepted the inevitability with resignation. As I said, I’m writing my novel and I will probably publish under my name. It’s a trilogy, I’m writing. There is a love triangle. A beautiful young woman is in love with a kinky, dominating billionaire and a sparkly vampire. Before she chooses her lover, she travels back in time and has to fight to the death on a reality show where the prize is the Iron Throne of the Seven Kingdoms. It’s like nothing you’ve ever read. Working title: Fifty Shades of Hungry Outlandish Twilight Thrones. Available for preorder soon.

And whenever I go to the prom, I spend the whole time looking up.

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About Mrs Odie

Like you, only funnier.
This entry was posted in Essays/Commentary, Pure side-splitting comedy and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Poppa Issues

  1. Adelae says:

    Thanks for the laugh that I needed this morning. And I hope you know that your readers will expect a fancily autographed bookplate with their preorders.

  2. Mrs Odie 2 says:

    It makes me jubilant hearing I’ve made someone laugh. So thank you for brightening my morning, where my 11 month old got me up way too early.

  3. Ali says:

    So so funny!!

  4. kelly says:

    Prepare to be jubilant times two.

  5. rahyt says:

    You made me smile, too. I look forward to each new post on your blog. Thank you for doing what you do!

  6. Oh, the snort laughing…

    Also I totally believed your book plot til you said “sparkly vampire” and I thought, “Waaaaait a second…” Yup. I’m clever.

  7. Rosie says:

    I’ll pre-order your book! But only if you promise to include a handmade, autographed bookplate – one which will never, ever arrive.

  8. Auntie M says:

    Reading your blog is like a mystery novel. So much innuendo and subterfuge!

    The dream was a hoot. I know it gauls you that many of us, well I did at any rate, found you out of desperate need to find like-minded anti small thingers. There is so much more here though. So much. It is why I stay. Plus, I am dying to get to the last chapter and find out who the real Carrie White is. I kid, I kid!

    Thanks for being an enjoyably small thing after a hard days work, on a lazy Sunday, a good book when I need to get lost! Good luck with the trilogy.

  9. Lisa J says:

    I absolutely adore you.

  10. adrianairis says:

    Been meaning to tell you this is so funny. But life kept me away. So here better late right!?

  11. Sally says:

    I posted on the wrong post…ugh. I’m offended you lumped game of thrones, which is written by the very best fantasy writer alive today, in with those trash novels. I’ve read them all, which makes me primed for your book, and have very low opinions of those other novels.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      You must not underestimate my love of Song of Fire and Ice. I read all 5 books in a month. I was referring to the popularity, not the quality. I haven’t read the Twilight or porn one. Although I enjoyed the HG trilogy.

      • Mrs Odie 2 says:

        I found myself disappointed with books 3-5. Even though I couldn’t stop reading. I want to write a post that will provide a forum to discuss my thoughts with other readers, but it’s such a departure from my brand, I may just do it as a separate page. I found myself angry at Martin. I posted angry Facebook statuses calling him a fucking murderer. His talent in the genre is without equal.

        I hope you stick around for the discussion, Sally. Interestingly, that’s the name of the woman who recommended the books to me. Her FB pic is a photo of herself with the author.

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