Sunday Potpourri, published Wednesday

I admire those people who have their lives organized. The dishes are washed. Nothing in the refrigerator is moldy. When you’re looking for something, you can find it. You don’t start an avalanche every time you open a cupboard or cabinet.

This type also probably has a division of labor among the house’s inhabitants. If there is confusion or resentment between husband and wife, it’s neatly labeled and properly stored.

Odie and I both suffer from an immaturity syndrome. When faced with our responsibilities, we each have an automatic “I don’t wanna!”

I feel chagrin at how 14 months went by without me accomplishing my Housewife Project goals. Ultimately, I decided to go a different way. Instead of looking at my days as opportunities to organize junk drawers, I saw them as time for in-arms naps with my nursling. As for the look of disappointment on Odie’s face when he didn’t come home to a clean house and dinner bubbling on the stove, I came to ignore it. When I asked if he was upset that I didn’t do more, he would reply, “You take great care of Pringles.”

“You’re doing to me exactly what Dooce did to Jon!” I wailed desperately. “You can’t think I’m doing it wrong and not tell me! Let me fix it before it’s too late! I don’t want to get Dooced!”

“Who the fuck is Dooce?!” Odie cries with exasperation.

In a marriage, you only have two or three arguments. They’re different from marriage to marriage, but they have common themes. Money, sex, power. Each person is trying to get his or her needs met. I want a clean house, security, happy children, time to read, write and watch tv. I want this accomplished without me having to do anything I don’t want to do.

As feminist as I thought I was, I have some surprisingly gender stereotypical beliefs about jobs around the house. I want Odie to take out the trash, deal with appliances, take care of the yard, maintain the car, and fix broken stuff.

I’ll take care of the children and secretly nip alcohol from a bottle in the linen closet. I want to be a housewife. I just want to be a 1950s housewife. A super crazy one. With perfect lipstick.

We’re still struggling.

Tuesday was picture day at “school.” It will be Pringes’ first professional photo. She will have a big scab on her nose from the latest fall. My mother says I was the same way and I have a decade of school pictures validating her opinion. My husband, however STILL disappears all of a sudden on hiking trips and reappears on top of a nearby mountain, returning later with bloody knees or covered in poison oak. His mother recently fell over a “Caution” sign and got a black eye. The only thing more painful? The irony.

Last year Viva refused to have her picture taken. I waited in line with her, Pringles strapped to my chest in the Ergo, while sweat rolled down my body, pooling between my breasts and at the base of my spine. When it was Viva’s turn, she commenced howling with despair and refused all comfort. It was a huge pain in the ass.

At the time, I expressed the opinion that I’d made too big a deal over it, gotten all excited, and Herself decided to pull a power play. “Oh, this is important to you? Lady-who-ruined-my-life-with-a baby-sister? Let’s just see how you like having your dreams crushed into dust.”

This year, I made sure her hair was neat and her face was clean, said nothing about picture day, and acted surprised when she mentioned it. I may be lazy, but I do learn from my mistakes. Except when by “my mistakes” you mean being lazy.

I’ve stopped eating pints of ice cream several days a week to deal with my feelings. I thought to numb feelings, you had to be literal. Feelings, you see, need to be made very very cold in order to get numb.

I’m back on the sauce, though. Our teachers lounge vending machine stocks Diet Coke. At first, I thought I’d limit my intake, but like all addicts, I cannot. I also developed a Starbucks habit. That one is really costing me. Those babies aren’t no 75¢ each, no sir.

My children are waging a war against each other and the prize is me. Pringles, my sweet little Joy Baby is a bruiser. When she discovers Viva anywhere near me, she pulls hair, pinches, slaps, and screams. The recent NFL umpire lockout in the news brought to my attention how much referees make. I’m underpaid.

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About Mrs Odie

Like you, only funnier.
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8 Responses to Sunday Potpourri, published Wednesday

  1. Lisamarie says:

    Oh I love your posts so very much. You have such a very realistic point of view on life with children. I love the fake-optimistic mommy blogs. They are happy and sunshiney. But I know they are fake. But in a way, your blog is so very happy and sunshiney as well. In an honest way. My husband is a teacher as well. I will have to ask him if he has access to a soda pop vending machine. I have access to a candy vending machine at my work. I’m convinced its the devil. A very alluring devil.

  2. Rosie says:

    Oh, the day of equally-divided-according-to-1950’s-standards housework will come. The downside of it is that YOU have to be in YOUR 50’s before it ever happens!

  3. Amy says:

    YESSSSS! I’ve been waiting with bated breath for another post from you, Mrs. Odie 2. I found you, admittedly, through a “Dooce divorce” search in July and have been hooked ever since. I might have spent a week straight this summer reading all of your back posts after the baby went to sleep. It was a tired but very, very happy time. You make me LOL, which I openly admit to you despite your aversion to such “text speak.” We have much in common and I greatly enjoy reading your sharp, smart and hilarious take on motherhood, marriage, teaching and life in general. Keep up the good work and hang in there. Winter break is just around the corner, right? At least that’s what I keep telling myself…

  4. Michael says:

    Money. Sex. Power. You left out in-laws.

  5. Summer says:

    We got our vending machine ripped out last year. 😦 My morale sunk.

  6. Rosie says:

    I hope you’re okay – I’ve been hitting faithfully in the hope of another post!
    ALso – a little snark from the GOMI girls. Have you seen this blog http://prebabyblog.com/ ?
    It’s the One You Love to Hate. After seeing it, I swear that from now on, I will be treating KH with slightly affectionate exasperation at her modesty, sincerity, and oh-so-wackiness.
    Take care!

  7. Michael says:

    Come on, Mrs. Odie–you’re slacking. It’s time for a post.

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