One, Two, Three: Talk Shit

That is what Toxic Best Friend would say whenever someone left the room. What is it about drama and bitch fights that some of us find so entertaining? I know, some are above it and have no problem telling me. They’re usually the same type who delight in telling everyone, “I don’t own a TV.” Here in the blog world, bitch fights get page views and drama sells. From Dooce and The Bloggess’ (allegedly) staged confrontation at a conference to critical comments on Kelle Hampton’s Instagram, conflict keeps us entertained.

Now I see that Getoffmyinternets.net (GOMI) is perhaps closing down. What I could gather from the forums is that someone with power has complained that GOMI is a cyber-bullying site and persuaded the advertisers to pull their ads forever.

I have often heard or read some version of “Women need to stick together, not tear each other down.”

Maybe Kelle Hampton thinks criticism of her blog is the equivalent of someone saying “You are crap,” but her believing that doesn’t make it true. As a writer, I write successful pieces and unsuccessful pieces. Sometimes I am surprised by what people do or do not respond to. None of my writing is me. It is what I have created. It is not who I am.

Unlike Hampton and others, I don’t put photos of myself, my children, and my home here. I am not a product. I put words and phrases together into sentences and paragraphs in a way that I hope makes people smile, laugh, and think. And if not, oh well. I’ll try again.

Perhaps that is why KHizzle gets so butthurt when anyone says “Boo” about her. In a recent post on her blog, she declared herself “brave” and decided that anyone who says something hurtful is hurting. The comments section filled up quickly with sweet, tender kisses on her butthole, agreeing that people who don’t like her product are jealous and “hurting” people. Those same people who don’t want tender little Kelle reviewed and critiqued do not hesitate to put all critics into a category, recognizing no nuances therein.

But why is it so popular? Shows like “The Real Housewives of Insert City Name Here” are at their best when people are throwing shade, flipping tables, and declaring each other PROSTITUTION WHORES! I watched the latest episode of my fave, “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” to witness the latest manufactured gathering of these so-called friends and count down to the inevitable “Shame on ME? Shame on YOU!” confrontation. It’s all so delicious to me.

I did a touch of research by typing “Why do we love gossip?” into a search engine. I love to pause after the word “love” and see what the engine predicts I’ll write. “Why do we love dogs?” was first, followed by “Why do we love the dogs we do,” and coming in at a surprising third: “Why do we love Merlin?”

That’s right.

Merlin.

Huh.

It turns out that gossip isn’t always bad. You assume when I say “gossip” I mean shit-talking, but according to Dr. McSmartypants, Ph.D, gossip is any kind of social conversation centered around people who aren’t present. I could be saying, “Did you hear? Kate’s cinnamon rolls are outstanding.” “Have you heard the news? Mr. Lund got 14 fives on the AP exam!” “Remember that teacher, Mary McClure? She’s a Quaker!”

Admittedly, none of those tidbits hold a candle to, “Did you hear Lizzie has herpes?” but they’re all still technically gossip.

I don’t see Get Off My Internets as Cyber bullying. It’s gossip, and it’s fun. If you’re brave enough to jump into the forums and defend the latest target, you may not come away unscathed, but that’s no reason to shut them down. You have to go to the site and read the shit they’re saying about you in order to get hurt by it. Nobody is bringing it to you. As far as I’m concerned, bloggers who put their real names on their blogs and post photographs of themselves and talk about their lives are public figures. Even more, they are personas, not real people. I’ll bet Heather Hamilton Armstrong Hamilton looks a LOT like that Dooce chick, but they aren’t the same person. One of the truest phrases ever written goes like this: “Everything I’m going to write is true, but the result will be fiction.” I wish I could remember where I read it so I could properly attribute it. Jenny Lawson isn’t really The Bloggess, but she plays her on the internet.

Me? I’m very like Mrs. Odie. But when people tell me my blog is shit, I don’t interpret that as “I’m shit,” nor do I take that to heart. I’m not shit, and no stranger on the internet will be able to convince me otherwise. If she could, I’d have way bigger problems than an unpopular blog article. Yet somewhere out there is a person who took GOMI’s satirical butt reaming so personally, and felt it so cruelly, she decided to go after the site and get it shut down.

“No one says that shit about me and gets away with it. No one,” snarled the narcissist to herself. She will not only disallow them to talk meanly about her behind her back, she will burn their clubhouse down. She probably feels self-righteous about it too. It’s wrong to gossip about people. In a way, she’s saving them from themselves and making the world a better place. It’s probably more than one person. I wonder if they’re working in concert to take away the writers’ income. I think it sucks. I channel Brandi Glanville and shriek across afternoon tea, “NO, shame on YOU!”

Smile. Watch her leave. One, two, three…

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About Mrs Odie

Like you, only funnier.
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14 Responses to One, Two, Three: Talk Shit

  1. Lauren says:

    Reblogged this on Life Or Something Like It! and commented:
    Food for thought… great post in my opinion.

  2. It amuses me no end that these bloggers don’t take the advice that they dish out to those who dare to say anything remotely uncomplimentary about their blogs…which is, if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Personally, I love GOMI. Some of the stuff on the front page is crazy-bitchy-mean, but if you dig into the forums there are some really interesting discussions going on there. I see it as a safe place to discuss any issues readers may have with bloggers – anyone who has ragged on KH in public has incurred the wrath of her Butt-Kissing Unicorn Army and it’s just not worth it.

    Finally, “The comments section filled up quickly with sweet, tender kisses on her butthole” made me spit coffee all over my desk. I thank you.

  3. What I find interesting is GOMI still has ads. People donated all that money and I still see ads. What’s up with that?

    I think blogging is dying. The days of being a public diarist are over and the mean girl momentum is a sign that the whole thing has jumped the shark.

  4. Michael says:

    “None of my writing is me. It is what I have created. It is not who I am.” I get what you’re saying, or trying to say (if someone thinks my writing is shit, it doesn’t mean I’m shit), but–particularly when you’re writing about yourself, your feelings, your life–I don’t see how you can say your writing is only what you’ve created, and not who you are. That’s like saying your actions are not who you are, but only what you’ve done. It’s a distinction without a difference.
    Another google auto seach: Why do we love . . . zombies.

    Keep up the good work.

    • Mrs Odie 2 says:

      Yes, that is a fair point.

      Why do we love zombies? I can’t figure it out. I like the idea that the walking dead are a metaphor for middle age. It sure feels that way some Wednesdays after sixth period.

  5. mrsk6 says:

    Isn’t forcing GOMI offline a form of bullying as well? Even if it’s glitter and unicorn farts, you’re still shooting something at someone. She brings all new meaning to “killing them with kindness.”

  6. Mrs. Dubose says:

    GOMI is a good place to find intelligent life. Honestly, there is a fair amount of snark but just enough to make it fun. In the Kelle Hampton thread, there is a good, fair discussion about mommy blogging and what it means to feature your kids on the internet.Overall, it is just not a great idea. I don’t think Kelle will be ready for the shit storm that is Lainey’s adolescence. It’s too bad because honestly I think Kelle started out in a genuine place. Oh well, it is never too late to make a change.

    Just curious, since you are an English teacher. What do you think the top must read books are?

    • Michael says:

      I can answer that, and I’m not even an English teacher. The top must read books are:

      1. What is shit, and why does yours stink
      2. My Body, My Temple, My Rules (hey, that’s actually pretty good)
      3. Hot Dogs and Microwaved Bologna: My Life as a Bottle of Ketchup
      4. Why You Shouldn’t Bother Reading Catcher in the Rye
      5. A Woman’s Guide to Writing Better Porn
      6. Slaughterhouse Five and Other Pork Recipes
      7. Kiss Me Before I Puke: Vertigo for Lovers

  7. leslie says:

    Well said!
    GOMI must get huge traffic, and I don’t understand how advertisers are not going to love that, regardless of the content. Surely she can find advertisers who would love to have those eyeballs. I don’t get the idea that she has to shut down because of lack of advertising dollars. Doesn’t make sense at all.

  8. Wendy says:

    “sweet, tender kisses on her butthole” Pure literary genuis. I laughed for hours thinking about this line!

  9. Sara says:

    I dont know..I for one come here for your real writing, not the gomi style gossip. I think criticising bloggers writing and content is all fair but when it goes into (imaginary) character, their kids, friends, relationships and general nit picking on every minor detail..it just gives me the jeebies! And the gomi ladies take it to far (as do you on occasion), everytime I have read there about KH or Bleubird it leaves me shocked and sad..It feels desperate, lonely and bitter= yukky!

    P.s Lisa from life as I know it did it brilliantly when she wrote the KH book review. Talked about the writing, editing but didnt get “personal”

  10. You know, I see Gomi as a guilty pleasure. Kind of like People or US Weekly. Some of it’s true, some of it’s not. Some of can be snarky, but a lot of times I find myself nodding in agreement, and the times that I don’t – who cares. If bloggers are going to put themselves out there, then it is what it is.

  11. Kasey says:

    Probably a cliche at this point, but I found this blog through “Kelle Hampton Annoying” because I was, indeed, annoyed after wasting my time reading Bloom. That aside, I found an piece I think that you would find amusing that takes aim at all the KHs of the blog world and FB: http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/we-need-to-quit-telling-lies-on-facebook/

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