But I’m Here

One of my all time favorite movies is Postcards from the Edge. There are so many gems in that film, I find another perfect line of dialogue every time I watch. When the main character comes home from rehab, her mother throws her a big party. That’s right, and to stack inappropriateness on top of questionable judgment, mom proceeds to make herself the center of attention by performing a song and dance number at the piano.

“Good times and bum times/I’ve seen ’em all and my dear/I’m still here./Smooth sailin’ sometimes,/Sometimes a kick in the rear!/But I`m here.”

That pretty much sums it up. Whatever happened to Mrs. Odie? It’s partly not knowing what direction I want to go with my writing. I see myself as a social critic and satirist, essay writer, and hopefully a humorist. I want to write fiction too, and more than anything, I want to make money. Another part of staying away from writing is that teaching has taken up more than just my time lately. Just last night, my father asked me what has changed about the job because it didn’t consume me like it does now. That’s a long answer. One I am determined to answer when it isn’t after 2 a.m.

Parenting is like a black hole where marriages go to die. Love really is a biological trap. I’m still in love with my husband, but five years into this parenting gig I haven’t figured out how to bridge the gap between us that started with morning sickness and widened with an episiotomy. I miss him so much and I am sad that I will never get to be young with him ever again.

My daughters are simultaneously my favorite people and my tormentors. Their love is endless but so are their demands.

I feel like I just walked into the kitchen and now I can’t remember what I came in for.

“I got through all of last year. And I’m here.”


About Mrs Odie

Friendly Pedant; Humble Genius
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12 Responses to But I’m Here

  1. cng says:

    I would pay to read your book!! This essay is so full of meaning for me, particularly the part about your relationship with your husband. My twins are now 18 months and the ppd is mostly behind us, but still lingers in the background. I miss my husband too, and I miss my old self. Fifty feels like it’s looming, only a decade-ish away. You tap into all my fears and insecurities and make me not feel so alone. Thank you.

    • Mrs Odie says:

      I wish that you didn’t feel what I’m feeling. It feels wrong to say, “Hurray! It’s not just me,” when that means there are others out there feeling this way. But your comment means so much, thank you. And just the fact that you can take the energy to type when you have 18 month old twins is flattering.

  2. Cathy Cann says:

    Welcome back! You are not alone! For me it is teaching that is all consuming,that takes up all time and relationships. Not because I am a saint who cares only for the success and welfare of my students, it’s that I cant keep up with the many and myriad duties “they ” keep piling on. I can’t even imagine this job with small children, but thousands do it everyday! I hope you are feeling success in your classroom and find satisfaction in your efforts. But I do miss your satirical humor and insights on the human condition!

  3. Lisa says:

    Nice to see something from you show up in my feed again!

    Yep, I hear you on a few different points.

  4. werdnamiths says:

    I hope you write a book one day about your life. I wanna hear your thoughts and stories about what real motherhood is like. I’m tired or these stupid “mothers” (meaning: they have 12 nannies) talk about their fabulous lives with their kids. I wanna hear about the real shit where your kid pukes on your face or something nasty shit like that. I’m sure you’d be a best seller.

  5. Rosemary S. says:

    Add my name to the “so-glad-to-see-you-back” list! I wondered about Mrs Odie the other day – came to your blog – and realized that my feed hadn’t been failing me – you just hadn’t shared your life with us, since September.

    “I miss him so much and I am sad that I will never get to be young with him ever again”. This line just melted my heart. As a tiny word of encouragement, you, God willing, will be able to grow old with him – and – trust me, that will be sweeter still!

    Selfishly, I hope you don’t completely abandon your blog, in favour of becoming a ” social critic and satirist, essay writer, and hopefully a humorist.” But, I also recognize that the human spirit has only so much energy – and – we should all pursue what we love best. Just make sure you provide us all with links to your commentaries!

    Take care – I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, that you get to celebrate New Years Eve with just Mr. Odie……….and – that 2015 brings you a huge portion of what you are seeking……..

  6. Summer says:

    It’s that my time isn’t really my time.

  7. Michael says:

    Sounds like you’re grieving the loss of the past.

    • Mrs Odie says:

      I definitely am, Michael. I’m approaching a birthday, seeing my husband go through a mid-life crisis, watching my babies become children. I’m sure some of it is the nostalgia we all feel for a “simpler time” that never really existed, but most of it is just getting older and becoming more conscious of how limited my choices are. Tenure is a blessing and a curse. Odie and I once agreed we’d commit to living in our area for a year (about an hour and a half southeast of you, I believe) and then move to one of our dream locations where we had friends: The Bay Area, Colorado, or Washington State. 15 years later? Still here. Now there’s too much at stake to leave. We’re both too expensive and too old to start over in new schools. And truly, I’m kind of a coward. I’ve seen other friends take that leap and thrive, but for some reason, I don’t believe it will happen for us. Now I’m depressing myself. Thanks for checking in Michael.

  8. Stacey says:

    The past 28 months have been so hard for me for so many reasons. I feel

  9. I am sorry I missed this until now. I share so many of your feelings even though I am home with my kids. The distance grew to a deafening void between my husband and me. It happened slowly at first but then sped up like I was being pulled away, watching our marriage spiral away from us in fast-forward. I have hope though and I dare to say I think we might be coming back around to each other. At least it feels that way this last month. I have heard friends say that marriage does get easier and better, a lot better, as time passes. I put my blind faith in that thought and cling to it in the moments when I can’t feel much else. It is scary. I would read whatever you decide to write but I do love your blog.

  10. Summer says:

    Wish you were here, again.

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