“The Universe”

Because I read a lot, I know a little about a bunch of things. I read articles, books, editorials, and blogs. I’m well-educated and have an above average deductive mind. I have to admit, however, when it comes to my oldest kid, I am out of my depth.

Today, Odie came home from work and I felt my insides clench up as usual. It’s time for me to confess to you. It’s indiscreet because many of my readers know who we really are, pseudonyms and careful fictional details aside. My husband suffers from mental illness.

God, that feels good to say. I feel guilty admitting that, but it does. I’m past the denial stage. I’m past the panicked phase where I worried that I needed to get out of the relationship. I, myself, have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, so those who live in glass houses should not throw Zoloft.

He’s never been diagnosed, so I can’t tell you exactly what we suffer from. Yep. “We.” His depression, despair, anger, mood swings, and obsessions affect all of us. My suspicion is bipolar disorder. The kind that’s more characterized by depression and mood swings than by mania. What I do know is that he does what I call “downcycling.” We’re in a downcycle now. It feels like it’s been going on for a very long time.

I have so much compassion for my husband. He’s a good man who suffers terribly and has no perspective on it. He truly believes that he is a bad person and that his misery is caused by his inability to do everything right. He takes everything personally and imagines that every person he interacts with finds him awkward and repulsive.

I’m human, so I admit that I find his shit tiresome. Odie is bright and articulate, and he once put it to me quite succinctly. “I know my shit is tiresome, but you know what, YOUR shit is tiresome. Everyone’s shit is tiresome. There is literally no one on this earth who is not teeming with tiresome shit.”

True that.

Point, match: Odie.

Still, the way he sees the world so different than I often knocks me on my ass.

Now that you have the context, let me tell you the problem. Today, he comes home from work and I hear it in the way he turns his key in the door and sets down his stuff. It’s been a bad day. I’ve been home with the kids for an hour, and I’ve had a tough conversation with our oldest, Viva.

My good friend and fitness instructor insists that everything in my life is a lesson from the Universe. Viva is a graduate level course in “the Universe.” She’s seven years old and nothing is easy with her. She has a dark and bleak outlook on the world, and while she can be silly and fun like any young child, she is frequently her dad’s mirror. She will tell me, “I’m the worst kid in the world!” or “Everything I do is bad!” She’s smart, so she understands everything. No blissful ignorance for this one. I’m not sure I’d even know it wasn’t normal, though, if not for her polar opposite, Pringles. My youngest girl, five, is the epitome of joy. She’s happy, silly, boisterous, friendly, adventurous, and game. Stubborn as shit, but that’s just “five.” She’s old enough to test boundaries and challenge authority because she’s realized that it’s possible. While her defiance drives me to drink, I can’t help but admire her strong sense of self.

A perfect Pringles story: I’ve told her a hundred times not to stand on the toilet to brush her teeth. Not only does she swallow her toothpaste instead of spitting it in the sink, she could fall off  and hurt herself. The appeal is the mirror. She isn’t tall enough to see herself in the mirror at the sink, even standing on a stool. One evening, I went into the bathroom, saw her standing on the toilet and admonished her, “Pringles! I told you not to stand there!” She fell from the toilet and hit her head. No injury, but it hurt a bit. “See?” I told her. “It’s dangerous.” Instead of being contrite, she got in my face with her finger and yelled, “YOU SCARED ME! THAT’S why I fell. I was perfectly safe until YOU SCARED ME! It’s YOUR fault I fell!”

She was only four at the time, so I will give her a pass. After all, she was right. I startled her. Sure, I startled her because she was being sneaky, but Pringles would tell you that’s NOT THE POINT! (finger in your face, no doubt).

For a few months, I have been meaning to make an appointment with Viva’s pediatrician to talk about my concerns. So when Odie came home and one of the first things he said was, “We need to talk, just you and me, about THIS” (gesturing to Viva) and how we are going to handle her attitude” I told him that I didn’t want to.

I told him that would be a great idea if either of us had any expertise whatsoever in the topic we were discussing. I’m usually confident to go into any discussion because like I said, I know stuff. I read. I’m educated. But this? I’m stumped. I told him that I’m happy to talk, but I need to talk to someone who knows more than I. Not to someone who is just as in the the dark and as scared and desperate. Not to mention someone projecting his own worst fears and personal issues (coughOdiecough).

I wanted to sign her up for a sports team at her school. An outside program that’s coming in to provide the training and practices. Her friends are all signing up. Her very best friend signed up just because I told her parents Viva would too. On the car ride home from school, she wailed that this sports team would be “the worst thing EVER!” She took it to a terrible place. “I think I want to run away,” she told me. “I’m not happy ever. I’m the unhappiest kid in the whole world. If you make me play sports, I don’t want to live here anymore.” It might seem like adorable hyperbole, but she was so distraught. She triggered me, too. I pictured my innocent, naive but brilliant little girl sneaking out of the house and being vulnerable to all the dangers of the world. Of course she’d never do it, but mother guilt/panic is not a rational thing.

Then it was homework. One short worksheet. “I hate school. I’m never proud of my work.” Then dinner. “I don’t like any food except candy! No one is picky like me! I’m the worst eater ever!”

You have to imagine all of this said in a tone of utter despair, not defiance or cheerful pessimism like her sister. Pringles would be likely to say such things in a chirpy little lisp while coloring a picture of unicorns.

I’m tired of getting pulled aside after Girl Scouts for “little chats” about how Viva is on track to earn a Misery Badge, or about her refusal to eat or participate. I’m exhausted from the dinner battles. I’m dreading the first parent-teacher meeting of the year. I remember the trauma of the very first one. I showed up to kindergarten expecting to have a pleasant chat about how delightful my daughter is (already reading at a 2nd grade level with the conversation skills of a 4th grader), only to receive the frustrated venting of a teacher driven crazy by my kid. I’ve been in dozens of those conferences in 17 years, but I was always on the teacher side.

What I don’t want to do is take her likely normal personality and pathologize it. I was a negative kid. I did it on purpose for attention. Her dad was a negative kid. In between court hearings where his parents fought over him, he was being passed from aunt to grandma to cousin to other aunt because his mother couldn’t afford to support him but hated her ex too much to give him custody or visitation. At some point, his teacher recommended counseling and to this day he tells the story that he was “crazy” as a child and he knows because a psychiatrist would watch him draw pictures.

I don’t know a single mother who doesn’t worry she’s doing a terrible job. But I’m really worried. Worried about being a shit wife and a shit mother. I can always make Viva grin and laugh. Sometimes I don’t know how to reconcile the witty giggling jokester with the wailing self-deprecating mess she so quickly becomes.

Today, Odie said to me, “I keep getting messages from the Universe that I need to change my life. Focus on what matters and stop worrying about my job. Work out. Take care of my kids. Model the kind of person I want them to be instead of trudging through my days then coming home and plugging into my devices, trying to block it all out.” It made me feel hopeful. I know enough about child psychology to know that kids who show up in therapy are acting out what’s going on with the adults in their lives. If Odie can see that shred of hope, then there’s hope for our entire little family.

And I’m starting with a pediatrician visit. No drawings.

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First I pissed off @musickillskatie (Katie Something from Vanderpump Rules) on The Gram by calling her a “character” on that show, and now I’ve gone and so “infuriated” comedian and author Jennifer Kirkman that she blocked me.

During both of these incidents, the tone perceived by my audience was completely different than what I was feeling when I wrote. Therefore, it must be me. As a writer, I am responsible for my tone coming across correctly to my readers. I look askance on people who argue “you read me wrong; that’s not what I meant.” I frequently tell my rhetoric students that it is their job to be understood through their technique.

Kirkman is a comedian promoting a book. It is a truth universally acknowledged that comedians travel constantly for their jobs. I’ve chuckled through many comedians’ sets about the frustrations of travel. They have mostly been polite chuckles meant to encourage the live performer, because I can’t relate to their airport stories. Every time I’ve been on a plane, it’s been to take an exciting trip somewhere and the airport experience was just part of the adventure. That’s how rarely I fly. I can use “airport” and “adventure” in a sentence together.

Comedians are only a tiny subset of passengers who travel for work. Thousands of people take regular business trips several times a week. A TSA agent is to them what a slowpoke in the fast lane is to me. Hell, I can’t even really complain about traffic, since I have a short work commute. So here is Jennifer Kirkman-comedian, author-early for her flight and extremely satisfied with her position in the line. The TSA agent decided that something she was carrying counted as a “carry on” and therefore exceeded the allowed number of “carry ons.” According to Kirkman’s Instagram story, she was forced to put the object into her computer bag, walk from her place in line to do so, and ultimately lose her place in line. And she was fucking pissed.

She. Was. Period. After. Every. Word. Level. Pissed.

Her Instagram post said it was a “stupid rule.” She exclaimed that the “rule” was SO stupid and she was so mad, that even though she’d been told to put the object in her computer bag and then take it out once she got back on the plane, she took it out while she was walking, in full view of the TSA agent who had inconvenienced her. She described the incident with plenty of sensory detail, so I felt like I was there watching it happen.

Only I found myself seeing it from the point of view of the TSA agent, not the angry, inconvenienced customer. In my job as a teacher, I frequently have to enforce rules that teenagers feel are “stupid.” I frequently enforce rules that other teachers don’t bother to enforce, and since they don’t, I get extra attitude when I do. It also made me think of the time I took my daughter Viva in line with me for Star Tours at Disneyland. When we got to the place where children are measured for the height requirement, Viva was just a tad too short. She was really close to being tall enough, probably a quarter of an inch, but she was not tall enough. The employees said, “She isn’t quite tall enough yet,” and I said, “Okay, let me call her dad over to get her.” One of them cried “Oh, my GOD!” and the other one immediately added, “Thank you for not arguing!” Bemused, I smiled a little and replied that the rule was clearly posted and why would I argue over a rule? Both of them snorted bitterly. “Literally everyone argues with us.”

I guess I’m a little rule follower. Maybe that’s bad. Maybe I’d be in front of a military tribunal answering for my atrocities by saying, “I was just following orders.” The rules I enforce are designed for either safety, efficiency, or both. If people in my job or the Star Tours line monitor’s job or the TSA job start picking and choosing when we enforce the rules, it becomes pointless to have rules.

I didn’t mean to be an asshole to Kirkman, whose books I’ve bought and read. I like her. I believe she has been mistreated online and by male comedians who don’t respect her as an equal. I didn’t feel any malice or even judgment when I fired off my comment. I said what I would say to an angry teenager who was going off to me about another teacher who had pissed them off for enforcing a rule. “Just doing her job. She doesn’t make the rules.” I never expected her to write me back. At first I was excited seeing “@mrs.odie” in my notifications. After all, I am a fan. I only follow people on Instagram because I am their fan. Once, Kelly Oxford wrote “@mrs.odie LOL!!!” in response to my post on her feed, and I fangirled in circles for ten minutes.

But Kirkman didn’t have an “LOL!!!” for me. She had a piece of her mind.

My comment “infuriated” her. She didn’t understand why I made it. A fair point. I should have just said nothing. She went on to say that it wasn’t a rule and that the other TSA agents weren’t doing what this one did. She said some other things, but you get the gist of it. Kirkman clearly felt that she had been singled out for unfair treatment. She felt justified in her demonstration of defiance (taking the object out of the carry on in front of the TSA agent before she was supposed to), and she felt justified in her anger about it on Instagram. In fact, I think she was so righteous in her anger that she didn’t notice she’d referred to the “stupid rule” twice in her post before telling me that it wasn’t even a RULE.

Now that I’ve examined the encounter, it occurs to me that on a subconscious level, I was reacting to Kirkman’s post as if it were a situation that happened to me at work once. Students can’t leave campus through the teachers’ parking lot, but they try anyway. It’s closer to where they park their cars than the pedestrian walkway they are supposed to take. Since most of them are ditching school, it also allows them to bypass the security checkpoints that would send them back to class where they don’t want to be.

It’s dangerous for students to walk through the parking lot. They could be hit by cars. It’s the law that students have to be in school unless they have permission to leave. I have a key to the gate and I had to leave early to go to an appointment. When I got out of my car to unlock the gate, a flock of students appeared, trying to get by.

“You have to go through the attendance office,” I stood patiently, not opening the gate. Two of the five or so kids turned around and headed back to the building. They knew the rule. They tried their luck breaking it. Failed. Quit.

“Come on, my car is right there,” one of them gestured.

“Look, I’m not going to unlock the gate. It’s the rule. It’s for your safety. I can’t let you out this way. Go to the attendance office and check out the right way.”

“Other teachers have let me go out this way before!” she insisted, even as another one of the students said “Let’s go,” and headed toward the building. “No!” the student insisted, “It’s a stupid rule. My car is RIGHT there!” Her friend kept walking away. One friend stayed stubbornly by her side.

I pulled out my cell phone and called the attendance office, “I’ll have a security officer come out here and sort this out, but I cannot let you out through this gate. It’s for your safety.”

“You’re a BITCH!” the girl shrieked at me. She threw her backpack and purse over the fence, then climbed after, landing with a thud on the other side. “Come on!” she said to her friend. The other girl heaved a sigh and climbed, had considerably more trouble, but eventually made it over. Boy, did they show me.

If I had let them go out through the gate, they would have thanked me and been nice to me. If they’d gotten in a car accident or gotten pregnant while they were supposed to be on our campus behind a locked gate, it would have been my fault. I reasonably tried to keep them from breaking our school rule, regardless of what my coworkers do or don’t do, and they did it anyway. I was annoyed, but I did what I was supposed to do, and I felt fine about it. I didn’t say “no” to be a bitch.

And if they don’t like it, they can block me on Instagram.



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